If you’ve read this site before, you’ll probably be able to gather that I’m a bit of a fan of Steven Seagal. Well ‘bit’ is a sodding understatement – I can’t get enough of him and his films. Well, actually, that’s a lie – his new films are shit. But we’ll get to that later. Firstly, let’s get down to business:
Above the Law (Nico) – Seagal’s first film, and he’s already the central character, mainly because one of his aikido pupils (the Hollywood agent Michael Ovitz) decided that Seagal deserved to be in movies.
THANK YOU MICHAEL OVITZ – I AM FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT.
Above the Law concerns a tough (obviously) vice cop getting mixed up with Henry Silva’s corrupt CIA agent. Can’t really be bothered to go into much more detail, but Steven Seagal beats up a great many people in this film and therefore it is good.
Hard to Kill – This one’s a bit like 22 Bullets (which I reviewed here) because it’s about a bloke who gets shot, goes into a coma, comes out of a coma, goes to find his son, beats the shit out of some dickheads, shoots some twats, and I spend the entire film standing on my sofa screaming.
Marked for Death – This is my second favourite Steven Seagal film because there are horror elements floating about – something which is always a good thing. In this, the horror elements are Jamaican psycho drug-dealers who are obsessed with voodoo. Therefore there’s a bit of sacrifice and gore and shit thrown in for good measure.
‘Good measure’ – I’ve never really understood that phrase, I always took it to mean whenever I put a ruler next to my dick, but I think it means something else.
But yeah, Marked for Death is sweet because someone drives a car through a shopping mall and then Seagal breaks their arm. If only all films had a scene like this. It would make my job much easier.
Out for Justice – This is the one with ‘Richie’ – possibly the best bad guy in any Seagal film, played by the wonderful William Forsyth. It also contains the infamous bar scene, see below:
If you don’t already own this on DVD and you haven’t gone out and bought it now because of that scene then I think it’s about time we stopped talking to each other.
Under Siege 2 – Having not seen Under Siege because as soon as a DVD or video of it comes within ten feet of me I attack it with a potato masher, I wasn’t completely aware of the inner workings of Casey Ryback, the lethal chef. No matter though, because it’s not hard to pick up – he’s a chef, but he’s also really good at killing terrorists.
In Under Siege 2, he’s also on a train. With a pre-fame Katherine Heigl, luckily not being as annoying as she is now. Anyway, terrorists attack, Seagal wins, I faint.
The Glimmer Man – Here we’ve got our first real glimpse of Seagal flexing his comedy chops, alongside Keenan Ivory Wayans. It’s one of those Shane Black-esque buddy cop movies, where the wise-cracking black cop has to put up with straight-man Seagal’s musings on life and philosophy, therefore ‘hilarity ensues’.
Although it does – I thought it was really funny. But not only that, Seagal beats fuck out of some more dickheads.
Fire Down Below – Favourite Seagal film alert!! Favourite Seagal film alert!! Read why here.
The Patriot – This was Seagal’s first direct to video film, and it shows – it’s not one of his best. It’s about him trying to stop the release of a deadly virus that’s going to kill everyone. Unfortunately all this deadly-virus-release-prevention doesn’t give him much time for kicking people in the head. It still happens though.
You got a bit worried there didn’t you?
Exit Wounds – Zip Zap Boing! Seagal’s back in cinemas! Exit Wounds is still one of my favourite Seagal films, even though it was later on in his career – this is mainly because Steven is back to doing what he does best – wiping the floor with idiotic henchmen. In this case, he’s a tough (obviously, again) detective who kills some people and so gets sent to the toughest (obviously) district in Detroit.
It is here that he proceeds to clean the aforementioned floor with the bad guys. The best surface cleanse occurring in a nightclub where he manages to annihilate a whole room of huge bouncers. With chains and shit.
Into the Sun – Right, this is where I stopped. Into the Sun was shit. I’ve tried other, later Seagal films and I can’t handle them. They’re so far removed from his glory days that I can’t bear it – I all but gave up on Seagal’s fresh output. That was, until:
Machete – DO NOT WORRY, SEAGAL WAS JUST HAVING A BIT OF A REST. NOW HE’S BACK TO BEING AMAZING AGAIN.
Read why here.
If you haven’t seen any of those films then you are an inexcusable fucking shit, if however, you have, would you like to come to my birthday party? There’s going to be Haribo, and crisps, and a bouncy castle – it’s going to be mint.