Midgets vs. Mascots (2009)

Midgets vs. Mascots is a ‘shocking and hilarious’ mockumentary about a competition set up by a dead, erm, ‘small’ pornstar to win his inheritance money.  The competition being between a group of five little people, and five mascots.  Games include seeing how many insults it takes to get punched in the face, seeing how much milk you can drink, and seeing who can make the best porno.

Sounds good right?

(I’ll admit it sounded good)

Well it’s not, it’s insufferably shit.  I mean real bottom of the barrel shit-covered shit with corn in it and a skid mark on the toilet seat.

I’ve read that it makes Jackass look like a walk in the park, but that’s stupid – Midgets vs. Mascots isn’t real.  Whereas Johnny Knoxville actually got hit by a rampaging bull, the ‘mascot’ that gets mauled here is clearly a dummy.  So any of the ‘shocking’ and ‘dangerous’ challenges are immediately flushed down the bog because they aren’t real.

So I suppose you’ve got ‘hilarious’ to fall back on?


It’s not funny.  The bloke who plays the alligator mascot is amusing in parts, but that’s it.  The rest is so unbelievably unfunny it’s embarrassing to watch – especially considering I was standing naked in my front garden with a gummy snake hanging out of my arse watching it through the window – but that’s another story, for another time.

However, if you are racist, then you might like this film.  The main Asian actor plays a grotesque caricature of a Chinese man (even though he himself is Asian- don’t know how he lives with himself), oh and when his friends and family turn up at the end – of course! They’re all martial arts experts with massive straw hats on.  HO HO HO.  But all you equal opportunity racists out there, don’t fret, the film also hates other nations and colours.  There’s an entire scene where a bloke sits at a table thinking of as many racist terms as he can for black people – GEDDIT?

So, yeah, I wouldn’t recommend seeing Midgets vs. Mascots unless you are a dick.

Or if you want to see Gary Coleman’s huge penis.  Which I am well aware many of you do.

I’ll give it 1 18 out of 10 (for the alligator guy).

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0 Responses to Midgets vs. Mascots (2009)

  1. Johnny Chicago says:

    Well, sir, I must admit, I also watched this maggot-infested reel of pure excrement and I’ll be honest – in a sick, sad way, I liked it – no, not like Jackass liked, but in that sick sad voyeur type like.

    This hunk of shit made me laugh more than three times throughout the entire run of the movie, so I have to admit also that I might recommend it to friends – not the ones I like, but the ones who I want to know are assholes themselves by recommending this to them.

    BTW, your site is hilarious on most levels and cringing in others – but what do I know? I’m from Chicago, but grew up with the best horror masters around to try and scare me…

    Thanks for the laughs – some of them, anyway.

    If your 18 is like our NC-17, then this world will eventually explode in a blaze of shame, desire and mostly regret. It will be awesome.

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