It’s only a bloody fucking 18.
When it was in cinemas for some reason it was a 15 and I wasn’t able to watch it, but now it’s on DVD and they’ve released an uncut version, so I can. So was it worth the wait? I mean, when I first heard about the cast, I pulled down all of my Arnold Schwarzenegger posters, put them through a shredder, boiled them and ate them like spaghetti – I was that excited. I also did a big shit.
Well unfortunately, it wasn’t worth the wait. Bit of a nightmare really. While it had its moments (specifically the bits that got cut to make it a 15), overall it just wasn’t up to scratch – and it’s too late to regurgitate all the Arnold spaghetti now. I must look like a right lemon.
You’re probably wanting to know why I didn’t fall in love with it and make sweet, sweet love to it by the fireplace with ‘Sexual Healing’ playing in the background aren’t you though? Well, even if it was good I wouldn’t have used ‘Sexual Healing’ as a soundtrack – I usually use this song – it’s a much more accurate aural representation of my love-making style.
Anyway, back to The Expendables. Basically, it reeked of missed opportunity (much like most of my farts). Firstly, they waste Jet Li – he’s the best bloke in the team and he’s completely sidelined, apart from when he’s engaged in knee-slapping, head-shaking ‘banter’ with Stallone, saying hilarious things like:
“I hate being small, you’re really big, I’m really small”
“Did I tell you that I’m small and I have a complex about it which is why I keep talking about it AND WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING?”
So that’s his ‘character’ done and dusted, what about his fight scenes? They’re what matter surely? Yes, well obviously I realise that, but for some reason it seems to have passed by Stallone. Mainly because when Jet Li fights Dolph Lundgren (should’ve been mint) Sly flings his camera about so quickly and so erratically that you can’t see what the hell is going on:
Stallone: Right, Jet, in this scene, you’re going to fight Dolph – I hope you’ve remembered all your intricate choreography.
Li: Don’t worry, I have. I’ve spent months and months learning all my moves.
Corey Yuen: It took us ages to design this fight sequence Stallone, so don’t fuck it up yeah?
Stallone: No don’t worry, I won’t.
Yuen: Ok, wicked. Wait, why are you pulling down your trousers?
Stallone: Oh, I’m going to tie the camera to my dick and spin around in circles. It’s a new style of filming. It’s definitely going to ruin this fight scene. Can’t wait.
This happens with pretty much all the hand-to-hand fight scenes. So the parts of the movie with the biggest potential are ruined. Nice one.
The next bad thing about The Expendables is the ‘hilarious’ and ‘witty’ quipping and joshing between cast members. Especially the bit where Statham gets a text during a stand-off. Get it? A Text! He’s getting a text. You know, one from a phone! He’s left his phone on during a tense moment and he’s getting a text! HE’S GETTING A TEXT.
Not funny. It would have been funny if he’d looked at the text and it was from his Mum saying that she’d found all his issues of Nuts with the pages stuck together and she was very disappointed in him and that he wasn’t allowed an iPhone for his birthday now – but Stallone clearly isn’t as funny as me.
Apart from those two main things, I enjoyed The Expendables because there were lots of explosions in it. So it’s going near the beginning of my DVD rack – I’ve recently re-ordered my DVD collection in order of how many explosions there are in each movie. So, like Starship Troopers is near the beginning and Showgirls is at the end (but sometimes I put it at the beginning IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT TEE HEE HEE).
So regardless of how much it pissed me off, I’d still recommend The Expendables to people who like explosions and/or old men shooting guns.
I’ll give it 6 18s out of 10.