So it’s the Oscars soon and to be honest I COULDN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK but some people that like films seem to care about them, so just for them I’m going to give my opinion on the nominations. And as we all know, my opinion is the only one that counts.
Actor in a Leading Role
* Javier Bardem in “Biutiful” – I don’t want to watch this because they spelled beuauetiful wrong. Idiots.
* Jeff Bridges in “True Grit” – A ‘True Grit’ is what I do when I go for a poo. I don’t want to watch a film about that.
* Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network” – I don’t like Facebook so I don’t want to watch a film about it. It invades enough of my spare time as it is.
* Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech” – I like originality in my films. This has been done before.
* James Franco in “127 Hours” – If your whole film is about someone cutting off their arm and it isn’t an 18 you’ve fucked up somewhere along the line.
Actor in a Supporting Role
* Christian Bale in “The Fighter” – Supposedly there isn’t a scene where Christian Bale runs naked through a corridor with a chainsaw so FUCK THAT.
* John Hawkes in “Winter’s Bone” – I thought this was a porn film. It’s not so I’m not going to waste my time.
* Jeremy Renner in “The Town” – Jeremy Renner was in S.W.A.T which was a 12. Join the dots dickheads.
* Mark Ruffalo in “The Kids Are All Right” – Mark Ruffalo was in The Dentist (18, seen). I’m backing him all the way.
* Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech” – Anybody in those pirate films about Alton Towers or whatever the shit they’re about is not worth my attention.
Actress in a Leading Role
* Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right” – Annette Bening was in American Beauty – a quality 18, therefore I’d be happy if she won. This ‘Kids’ film sounds like a right load of skid-mark though.
* Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole” – NOT AM I OR HAVE I EVER BEEN A FAN OF NICOLE KIDMAN. Apart from in Eyes Wide Shut (18, seen).
* Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone” – As I said before, there was some confusion concerning this title. It was embarassing asking for this in an adult DVD shop. I do not wish to be reminded of the incident.
* Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” – Her career started so promisingly with the bona-fide classic Leon (18, seen) and then went downhill from there. I have heard there is a lesbian scene in this movie but scissoring is not involved so I’M OUT.
* Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine” – She was in Halloween H20 (18, seen) so I’ll put my vote in for her. The frigid Academy bastards never seem to accept my votes though. Maybe I should stop carving them into pig flesh and sending them by special delivery in a skull.
Actress in a Supporting Role
* Amy Adams in “The Fighter” – She’s easy on the eye but her general contempt for the 18-watching public means I certainly won’t be inviting her to McDonalds for a romantic meal anytime soon.
* Helena Bonham Carter in “The King’s Speech” – I liked her in that Matrix-sex scene in Fight Club so she can meet me in the upstairs part of the Leicester Square McDonalds in five minutes if she wants. Don’t tell Tim Burton though. He’s a Burger King man.
* Melissa Leo in “The Fighter” – The Fighter is the perfect name for an 18, so the fact that they’ve wasted it here winds me up to a degree not felt before. Apart from when Psycho Beach Party was a 15. I’m looking at you Amy Adams.
* Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit” – We’ve already discussed this.
* Jacki Weaver in “Animal Kingdom” – I don’t think an animal should ever win an Oscar. I don’t approve of the sympathy vote.
Animated Feature Film
* “How to Train Your Dragon” Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
* “The Illusionist” Sylvain Chomet
* “Toy Story 3” Lee Unkrich
* “None of the Above” – YOU’VE GOT MY VOTE.
* “Alice in Wonderland”
Production Design: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O’Hara
* “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1”
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat
* “The King’s Speech”
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr
* “True Grit”
Production Design: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh
I CROSSED EVERYTHING OUT BECAUSE I’M NOT BOTHERED IN THE SLIGHTEST WHO WINS THIS.
* “Black Swan” Matthew Libatique – I’m not a baby or a girl so I don’t want to watch a film about ballet.
* “Inception” Wally Pfister – I’m basing my opinion entirely on the trailer because if this was an 18 I would definitely have watched it. So this one should win.
* “The King’s Speech” Danny Cohen – I don’t like watching royals. Unless they are running into battle screaming. Or are of the ‘Rumble’ variety.
* “The Social Network” Jeff Cronenweth – How much skill does it actually take to film someone on Facebook for two hours? That’s what the film is right?
* “True Grit” Roger Deakins – Please stop bringing this up.
* “Alice in Wonderland” Colleen Atwood
* “I Am Love” Antonella Cannarozzi
* “The King’s Speech” Jenny Beavan
* “The Tempest” Sandy Powell
* “True Grit” Mary Zophres
I’m not gay.
* “Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
* “The Fighter” David O. Russell
* “The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper
* “The Social Network” David Fincher
* “True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
It would be nice if the Academy didn’t just pick the same films and spread them out over every single award wouldn’t it? I mean what a bunch of sheep. Probably those really skanky looking sheep with shit caked-in the fur around their arsehole too. They’re the worst kind of sheep.
Skanky-Shit-Hole-Arse Sheep I like to call them.
* “Exit through the Gift Shop” Banksy and Jaimie D’Cruz – This one is about a vandal. Vandalism is something I agree with – well, if you count drawing a willy on someone’s pencil-case as vandalism, anyway.
* “Gasland” Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic – Not a film about guffs.
* “Inside Job” Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs – Not a porno.
* “Restrepo” Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger – Not a porno (I’m sure there’s a pun in there somewhere).
* “Waste Land” Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley – A porno. Not really. It’s a sequel to True Grit. STOP ME I’M ON FIRE!
Documentary (Short Subject)
* “Killing in the Name” Nominees to be determined
* “Poster Girl” Nominees to be determined
* “Strangers No More” Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
* “Sun Come Up” Jennifer Redfearn and Tim Metzger
* “The Warriors of Qiugang” Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon
Where’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding?
* “Black Swan” Andrew Weisblum
* “The Fighter” Pamela Martin
* “The King’s Speech” Tariq Anwar
* “127 Hours” Jon Harris
* “The Social Network” Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter
I think whoever edited all the good stuff out should win. They did a great job.
Foreign Language Film
* “Biutiful” Mexico
* “Dogtooth” Greece – I’ve made this one big because it’s an 18.
* “In a Better World” Denmark
* “Incendies” Canada
* “Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)” Algeria
* “Barney’s Version” Adrien Morot
* “The Way Back” Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
* “The Wolfman” Rick Baker and Dave Elsey
I was going to make a joke about Sex and the City but Ricky Gervais saw my notes and nicked it. He altered it a bit to ‘make it his own’ but I know the truth.
Music (Original Score)
* “How to Train Your Dragon” John Powell
* “Inception” Hans Zimmer
* “The King’s Speech” Alexandre Desplat
* “127 Hours” A.R. Rahman
* “The Social Network” Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross
Come on guys. I’ve listened to the Tron Legacy soundtrack (won’t be watching that babyish computer game rubbish though) and I’m pretty sure everyone knows that Daft Punk should win.
Music (Original Song)
* “Coming Home” from “Country Strong” Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey
* “I See the Light” from “Tangled” Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater
* “If I Rise” from “127 Hours” Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong
* “We Belong Together” from “Toy Story 3″ Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
Again, Daft Punk have missed out here. It should either be one of their songs or that one I wrote for the soundtrack of the film I’m in. The film’s called Everybody Look at me, Seriously, Everyone Stop What You’re Doing and Look At Me, I Bet I’m Doing Something Really Funny 3 and the song’s called ‘I’ve Got A Large Peen And I’m Not Afraid To Use It.’
* “Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers – For girls.
* “The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers – For people that get all excited about 18-sounding titles but don’t actually mind when they find out that they’re not 18s.
* “Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers – For people who really really want to like blockbusters but are too scared their snobby mates won’t invite them to their dinner party on the off-chance that they might reveal that they actually quite liked Bad Boys.
* “The Kids Are All Right” Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers – For people that want to see a film about lesbians but think that Black Swan is too obvious because everyone would know that they were just seeing it for the lesbians.
* “The King’s Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers – For people I don’t want to be friends with.
* “127 Hours” Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers – For rock-climbers.
* “The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers – For people that can’t get enough FACEBOOK!!
* “Toy Story 3” Darla K. Anderson, Producer – FOR CRYBABIES.
* “True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers – Once more and I SWEAR…I SHALL…
* “Winter’s Bone” Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers – For idiots that think that any film with the word ‘bone’ in must be a porno. Oh wait.
Also, where’s Machete?
Short Film (Animated)
* “Day & Night” Teddy Newton
* “The Gruffalo” Jakob Schuh and Max Lang
* “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe
* “The Lost Thing” Shaun Tan and Andrew Ruhemann
* “Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)” Bastien Dubois
Short Film (Live Action)
* “The Confession” Tanel Toom
* “The Crush” Michael Creagh
* “God of Love” Luke Matheny
* “Na Wewe” Ivan Goldschmidt
* “Wish 143” Ian Barnes and Samantha Waite
I SAID NO THANKS.
* “Inception” Richard King
* “Toy Story 3” Tom Myers and Michael Silvers
* “Tron: Legacy” Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague
* “True Grit” Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey
* “Unstoppable” Mark P. Stoeckinger
Whichever one has the most farts in I guess.
* “Inception” Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
* “The King’s Speech” Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen and John Midgley
* “Salt” Jeffrey J. Haboush, Greg P. Russell, Scott Millan and William Sarokin
* “The Social Network” Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten
* “True Grit” Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter F. Kurland
Ditto. What’s the bloody difference? How has Salt managed to wriggle its way in with all the other ones? Was the ‘sound mixing’ really that good? It must have been to get the sheep all up in a frenzy.
* “Alice in Wonderland” Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas and Sean Phillips
* “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz and Nicolas Aithadi
* “Hereafter” Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojansky and Joe Farrell
* “Inception” Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
* “Iron Man 2” Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright and Daniel Sudick
I care about this category because I’m an absolute sucker for good special effects. I could watch a film entirely made up of only the scenes with bugs from Starship Troopers stretched out to feature length so that it was all in slow motion and everyone had funny deep voices. I would watch that. I’d watch the shit out of it. Although to be honest, there wouldn’t be any shit in it to begin with – just gold. But it would be impossible to watch the gold out of it.
I didn’t get much sleep last night btw.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
* “127 Hours” Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
* “The Social Network” Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin
* “Toy Story 3” Screenplay by Michael Arndt; Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
* “True Grit” Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
* “Winter’s Bone” Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini
Writing (Original Screenplay)
* “Another Year” Written by Mike Leigh
* “The Fighter” Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson;
Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
* “Inception” Written by Christopher Nolan
* “The Kids Are All Right” Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
* “The King’s Speech” Screenplay by David Seidler
I’ve said all I needed to say about the films up for screenplay awards because they’re in every other blasted category (apart from Another Year – but that’s a 12 so you know the drill) so I’m not going to say anything more about them. Apart from I think they’re ALL SHIT.
I don’t really care what happens but if Dogtooth doesn’t win then I’m going to rub toothpaste into my eyes and break some pencils in half.