The Lovers’ Guide 3D: Igniting Desire (2010)


All I needed was The Lovers’ Guide 3D: Igniting Desire to teach me how.

It’s basically like The Lovers’ Guide, you know, the video you found in your mate’s parents’ sock drawer with Showgirls and you watched on a double-bill while giggling like schoolchildren (because you were schoolchildren).


Come one guys, it’s the one with ACTUAL KNOBS AND FLANGES in it.

Yeah, thought you’d get it from that.

Now, imagine that went and got a haircut, shaved its grunter, got a bit fitter and starred in another sex-tape.  You’ve got The Lovers’ Guide 3D.  Basically, it’s an instructional video that tells you how to have better sex, and it’s in 3D.  The 3D’s actually really good, even though it’s the red/blue glasses kind, because it doesn’t really affect the colour at all, and it’s got all the willies and gashes coming out of the telly and into your face that you could ever want.

My copy came with four pairs of glasses (I’m not sure what the actual copy comes with), but don’t take that as an instruction, because when I invited some mates round to watch a ‘movie’ and they arrived to find me naked in the front room wearing cardboard glasses while two blurred people had explicit sex on my TV, they left almost immediately.  Frigid.

It gets much better than this on the DVD. There are loads of mint tits and shit.

So it’s best to watch on your own or with a partner.  Although if you live with people who aren’t your partner it might be difficult to find the right time or place to watch it.  I kept trying to find a place to watch it (I had to watch it all the way through, for review purposes, obviously) without the constant threat of being caught.  In the end I went with the roof of my house, with the cables coming up through the chimney.  It was all going well but then a huge gust of wind threw me off the roof into my next-door neighbour’s garden and it was only then that I realised that I’d forgotten to wear any clothes – it was my ‘movie night’ all over again.  Except this time, when the neighbours came outside to see what all the commotion was, I hissed and flung dung at them, before scaling the fence and disappearing into the night like some sort of stealthy human/bat hybrid with a huge swinging penis.

Still eventually, I managed to watch it, and now I am an expert in the art of 3D sex.  So any females out there reading this, make sure you’re wearing a femidom next time you’re watching TV because my expert 3D dick might fly out of it and give you the best sex of your life, AND I SURE AS HELL WON’T BE WEARING A FUCKING CONDOM.

As a thoroughly IN-DEPTH, PENETRATING and EXPLOSIVE instructional DVD on how to have amazing sex with me, I’ll give The Lovers’ Guide 3D an ejaculatory 7 18s out of 10.



The makers of the DVD just emailed me telling me about the sequel – The Lover’s Guide 4D: Fucking Suck It. It’s basically going to be like Pirates 4D at Thorpe Park – like a huge, 3D simulator, only whereas with Pirates, when there was a wave, you’d get splashed with water, in this, near the end during the orgasm, naked men will come down from the ceiling and jizz all over your screaming faces.

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