Notes for females
Nearly every Valentine’s Day I am single – I can’t see why, but I am. This may be due to the rigorous screening process I carry out when choosing a mate, or it may just be because I am a cunt. Either way, I’ve come up with a few tips/requirements/preferences for any females out there that would like to date someone as masculine, charming, stacked, hung, slicked-back, hilarious, caring, chiselled, assertive and knowledgeable about 18s as me. Read on if you want any chance of seeing the 18 that I’ve just shaved into my pubes:
- You will have to enjoy talking about the various killings in your favourite horror movies.
- You must enjoy talking about the various killings in detail in the film that we have just watched. Conversation topics can include: ‘How could that killing with the axe have been made better?’ and ‘Which particular killing do you think made it an 18?’
- When I first come round your house, I will immediately search for and find your DVD collection. I will peruse the movies, and make a note of how many 18s you own – obviously, the more the better.
- I will also take note of the 18s in your collection. I will prefer to see a majority of action and horror films, but comedy will suffice – silly French art films that are only 18s because there are tits in them are least favourable. An almost perfect example would be when I discovered Kickboxer in a male friend’s house the other day – if he was female, I may have dropped trou and proposed there and then.
- When you first visit my place, you will not be put off by the fact that I own a film called Violent Shit.
- You must like the smell of the inside of a DVD case.
- If, when you buy a DVD, you do not immediately rip off the cellophane once you have returned home I will think you are some sort of dickhead.
- You must enjoy lying on your bed/sofa with newly bought DVDs scattered on and around you whilst occasionally picking them up, opening them, spinning the disc around and putting them back down again.
- You will like to imagine that the red 18 sign is a button and you will like pressing it. Even if it does nothing.
- You will enjoy www.ionlywatch18s.com.
- You will enjoy reading about 18s elsewhere.
- You will not like Twilight. However, I will let you off if you fancy Blade.
- Regardless of the way he runs, you will hold Steven Seagal in high regard as an example of extreme masculinity.
- You don’t mind small dicks.
- You will not buy a boxset if one of the films is below an 18 because it ruins the whole fucking thing.
- Your favourite television channel is The Horror Channel.
- You will follow me on twitter. (hint hint)
- If you snap a DVD case you will get extremely angry and start careering around the house running your keys across the wallpaper.
- If you lend a DVD to someone else and it comes back scratched you eliminate all evidence of you ever having known the careless twat.
- You will not be put-off if I approach you in a bar with the chat-up line: “Hi, who would win in a fight between Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers? You have five minutes to prepare an answer. I’ll be in the women’s bogs. Cubicle 6.”
- You wouldn’t dump me if I delivered a pig’s heart to your office on Valentine’s day. This is unlikely to happen again, but I’ve got to cover all my bases.
- You must not be intimidated by my biceps.
- You must be able to keep calm if you were to catch me grating cheese on my abs.
- You must enjoy staying up later than everyone else because you are worried that you might miss out on something that everyone will be talking about the next day even though they are all in bed.
- You must enjoy sequels.
- Sometimes more than the original.
- You must like punching holes in weak materials like polystyrene and papier-mache.
- As an initiation, I may ask you to snap a 15 rated DVD that belongs to one of your closest friends.
- You must like making silly noises.
- You MUST be able to moonwalk. I will give you lessons but if I see no progress then you’re out the door, missy.
- YOU MUST BE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL, HILARIOUS, AND HAVE THE BODY OF A SUPERMODEL.
Those are the main requirements – as you can see, I’m not that picky.
See you next February the 14th!