Beatdown (2010)

So I quite like all these shit straight-to-DVD MMA films because, as I’ve said before, I’m very easily pleased.  Make a silly face at me and I’ll laugh.  Make a stupid noise and I’ll laugh.  Show me your small dick and I’ll laugh because mine’s much bigger.  Show me a shit MMA film and I’ll enjoy it.

Beatdown is a shit MMA film that I showed to myself and enjoyed.  I also assume that those of you that are easily pleased/like shit MMA films will also like this.  You don’t believe me?  Well I’ve applied the shit MMA films checklist to Beatdown, and it’s done pretty well:

PUNCHING……….✔
KICKING……….✔
HEADBUTTING……….✔
ARM BARS……….✔
LEG BARS……….✔
HEADLOCKS……….✔
NOSEBLEEDS……….✔
TITS……….✘
CAGES……….✔
TRAINING MONTAGES……….✔
HOT WOMEN……….✔
BAI LING……….✘
VINNIE JONES……….✘
REAL MMA FIGHTERS……….✔
MINGE……….✘
GROWN MEN CRYING……….✔
A MEXICAN PERSON……….✔✔✔
SHIT SEX SCENES……….✔
ERIC BALFOUR……….✔
TWO ENDINGS……….✔
KIMBO SLICE……….✘
PRESS UPS……….✔
BUSHY EYEBROWS……….✔
A MOTORBIKE……….✔
FIGHTS IN CARPARKS……….✔
TERRIBLE ROCK MUSIC……….✔
TERRIBLE/POINTLESS FLASHING LIGHTS……….✔
ANAL FISTING……….

So as you can see, it’s got pretty much all the usual bases covered.

The story concerns this bloke called Brandon (who I’ve only just realised is played by the main guy in Apocalypto) who’s in a bit of a pickle so he starts beating people up (sounds like me) and making loads of cash.  Then he meets this bloke from England (real-life fighter Michael Bisping) and they start organising fights and getting even more money.  But then his willy starts leading him about like in that Danepak advert and he gets all mixed up with this girl whose brother (Eric Balfour) is a fucking quince.  So obviously Balfour gets his gob up in Brandon’s grill and all hell breaks lose.

It’s your standard MMA movie (see checklist above) and therefore your enjoyment of it will entirely depend on whether you already like these kind of movies – it’s hardly going to convert any non-believers.

Rudy Youngblood is good as the main character (not as good as he was in Apocalypto, which I completely forgot I’d seen and I absolutely LOVED), and to be honest, I thought he was a real MMA fighter – so I guess that shows that his fight scenes were pretty convincing.

Eric Balfour is good as always (bet you’ve never read that sentence before).  I’ve always liked him ever since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I had him pegged as a potential A-lister, shame he chose to star in films like Dinoshark instead.  Still, he’s the best actor here, even if his emotional apology to his sister was so overwrought and cheesy my willy managed to tie a knot in itself on its own.

This was the best photo from the movie I could find, sorry.

Michael Bisping on the other hand, while a proficient fighter, is clearly no actor – rubbing your nose does not count as acting, Michael*.   Also, his silly northern English accent doesn’t sit well in with all the strong American ones.  But then you didn’t come for the acting did you?  You came for the kicking and punching and tits didn’t you?  Yeah you did didn’t you?  I can read you like a fucking book.  I’ve just found you in WHSmith, under the “I like to watch people getting punched repeatedly in the face ok?  Fuck off and watch The King’s Speech why don’t you?” section.  Yeah, there it is.  Your book.  The book that’s you.  The one I’m reading.  It’s called “If there’s not a fucking punch or a kick in this film soon I’m gonna kick off big time.  I mean I could probably make do with some tits, or even better, a bit of quim, but if there’s not at least one fucking fist connecting into someone else’s face, then I’m turning it off.  Oh wait, hold up, looks like someone’s going to get hit.  BAM!!  I LOVE THIS MOVIE.  Better lock the door, don’t want anyone seeing me naked.

I’ve read it many times, don’t worry.

So yeah, you’ve come for the punching – and guess what?  There’s absolutely sodding thumb loads of it.  Imagine if you went for a shit, and a punch came out instead of a poo.  The film is like that.

IT HAS PUNCHES COMING OUT OF ITS ARSE.

I enjoyed it, therefore I’ll give it 6 18s out of 10.

 

*Please don’t beat me up.
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