It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.
If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.
Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.
So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back – only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.
THIS FILM IS FUCKING AMAZING. I feel the need to let everybody know how good it is, so I’ve taken a break from wrapping sellotape around my penis – I’m trying to get the shaft-colour to match the bellend-colour – in order to write this. I’m providing a valuable public service – people need to know about this movie and they need to watch it.
Until recently, I didn’t really know who Brian Bosworth was – but now I do, and I’m fucking happy about it. Brian Bosworth was a professional American Football player who was extremely popular over in America in the ’80s, but obviously I had no idea of this because I do not give three flying turd-corns about American Football. But supposedly he was a big deal.
BIG DEAL, I couldn’t care less – what I could care less about (because I care a lot about it) (so I guess I couldn’t care less because I care so much about it) (I’ve chosen the wrong expression here but I hope you’re all still with me) is the fact that he went into movies soon after. This is where things get interesting, particularly in the case of Stone Cold, because it was his debut film. I for one, can say with the utmost confidence that this is one of THE best debuts in the history of cinema.
If you didn’t know, I loved The Raid 2 (review HERE), so obviously I would love a computer game of it (even though computer games are for nerds). So if you want to play it, head on over here: theraidarcade.com and give it a go.
It seems if you play as Hammer girl it’s the easiest computer game in the history of anything. Although maybe I’m just really good at fucking everything.
The Raid is one of my favourite films in the fucking world, EVER. It’s better than any film you’ve ever made, buster, isn’t it? Your movies are shit. The Raid is not. It’s a stripped-down, straight-to-the-point action /martial arts flick and it blows my nipples through the sodding roof every time I watch it. So needless to say, I was excited about The Raid 2 – the trailer attacked my bum and threw it into the stratosphere, and a hench clip I saw at Frightfest peeled back my foreskin and pinged it back with such force that a window smashed. I was LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, essentially.
And now I’ve seen it. So was it worth the wait?
OF COURSE IT WAS YOU ABSOLUTE PILLOCK.
The Raid 2 was utterly amazing. I don’t know what Gareth Evans is drinking, but I want some of it (Special Brew just isn’t doing it for me at the moment) – he’s a genius. This movie takes the small-scale approach of the first one and spreads it wider than that rude thing I did at the weekend, it’s – although I hate the word – epic. It’s a sprawling, complex crime thriller that just happens to be interspersed with the best fucking fight scenes you’re ever likely to see (until the Raid 3: Your Dick Will Fall Off, presumably).
Seeing as FRONT Magazine has unfortunately closed its doors (RIP), I figured it OK to post some of my work that graced its hallowed pages. First up, I thought I’d stick up my ‘A to Z Of Hard Action Bastard Cinema’. Have a read below – I THINK YOU’LL FIND IT MOST AMUSING.
Click the pictures to enlarge. A bit like a dick. That’s how dicks work right?