I AM A SUCCESS OBVIOUSLY

Last night saw the very first I Only Watch 18s Movie Night at The Exhibit Cinema in Balham, and obviously it was a success. Thanks to everyone that came down, and anybody who didn’t – shame on you! But don’t worry, you can come to the next one.

Anyway, as an extra special treat, here’s my exclusive intro video to The Raid, for all those that missed it:

See you next month for The Thing!

Awesome video courtesy of Sam Clifford-Harding and Sam Bailey.

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Exclusive Poster #37: The Thing

ththing

 

Read my review of The Thing here.

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You’re invited to the very first I Only Watch 18s Movie Night!

iow18s

You know Thursdays yeah? Bit shit normally aren’t they? Not as good as Fridays and definitely not as good as Saturdays. WELL NOT FOR LONG BECAUSE THEY’LL BE THE BEST DAY OF THE FUCKING WEEK IN A MINUTE. Well, a number of minutes anyway – quite a lot in fact, you know, about three weeks worth of minutes. The reason for this is because I’m holding my first movie night ON A THURSDAY in March. The 20th March to be precise.

It’s going to be held at The Exhibit Cinema/Bar/Restaurant in Balham, which is the tits, in case you were wondering. Like watching films on a big screen FROM BIG LEATHER SOFAS? The Exhibit is the place for you then. Not only that, but the legends at Brewdog are sponsoring the event, so you can have a load of beer to drink whilst watching a sweet 18! This sounds good right? THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS.

But there’s more! You’ll also get a nice keepsake to take home with you – one of my very special extra-exclusive movie posters, complete with my review on the back (if you like reading).

So get your arse down to The Exhibit on 20th March to watch THE RAID – one of the best action films you’re ever likely to see, and drink some Brewdog, chat up some hotties and maybe get lucky after the show. The Exhibit are also putting on a sweet discounted dinner and a movie deal so you can grab some munch in their awesome American diner before watching the film.

A dinner and movie ticket will cost £15.90 (bargain – the food is amazing) and a standard ticket will be £7. The film starts at 8, so if you want some nyam, get down earlier, obviously. This is going to be fucking great. You might even get an extra-special pre-movie message from yours truly.

Anyway, gtg cos I’m so excited that I feel a harsh bout of diarrhoea brewing. SEE YOU IN MARCH!

To buy tickets, call the Exhibit cinema on 0208 772 6556.

Awesome poster courtesy of Mike McCabe: http://cargocollective.com/mikemccabe.

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Everything Is Better As An 18: Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump – it won loads of awards, but some of them were Oscars, and you all know how I feel about Oscars, so basically I couldn’t give a shit. It looks like shit so I’ll never watch it. However, I would watch it if it was an 18, because it might go a little something like this:

forrest

Forrest CHUMP more like innit? Yeah, haha good one, me.

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Everything Is Better As An 18: The Shawshank Redemption

Haha, yeah, The ‘Shawshank’ Redemption, haha yeah, yeah great film there guys. ETC. I have a particular vendetta against this film because it’s a Stephen King film but it’s not a horror – good luck trying to convince me that I want to see that. Christ.

Anyway, it’s shit so I’ve made it better:

shawshankYeah? YEAH? YEAH.

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Everything is better as an 18

Hey everyone/you wankers, it’s time for a new feature here at I Only Watch 18s: Everything Is Better As An 18! Have you ever wondered how much better every single film would be if it was an 18? You should wonder, you fuckers, because if you don’t, you’ll never know. Or something.

To prove my point, I feel it my duty to go through the mire that is the world of non-18 flicks, and rewrite a key scene of my choosing in a style more befitting of an 18-rated movie. This will fucking PROVE that I am right about everything. Well most things anyway – I wasn’t right in thinking that eating that raw steak in the middle of the road wearing just a hi-vis jacket whilst singing Alphabeat’s Fascination the other day was a good idea. But most things I definitely am right about. Like the size of my penis – it is MASSIVE. Well most of the time – it went pretty small when the police tazered me during the whole naked steak incident the other day anyway.

So for my first one, I thought I’d pick The Truman Show. It sounds like a crock of shit to me – if his whole life is being filmed, then how come we never see him do anything, you know, private?

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I THINK WE’RE ALL IN AGREEMENT ABOUT THE VALIDITY OF MY FUCKING ARGUMENT NOW AREN’T WE?

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The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2014

You’ve been waiting with (master)baited breath for a whole year, but the time has finally come once more! Yes, correct, it’s my round-up of all the cock-swipe and shit-drop that’s gonna be up for fucking Oscars this year! I HATE THE OSCARS and you should too – they mean nothing and if you like them then I’ll wedgie you so hard that I’ll cleave you in two. Anyway, I suppose I had better get down to business – I hope you’re covered in asbestos BECAUSE THERE’S GONNA BE A HELL OF A LOT OF BURNS COMING YOUR WAY! ZINGZAMMAZOOM!

Best Picture

American Hustle – Oh, I thought giving an Oscar to a film because it had good wigs in it was meant for the make-up category, not the main fucking feature? They’re not even good ones – they look like shit:

“And the Oscar for shittest hair goes to American Hustle!”

“Thank you so much! I’d like to thank chlorine, hair-straighteners and Trichotillomania for helping us towards our goal! We did it!”

Captain Phillips – Yet another fucking sequel to that Pirates Of The Caribbean nonsense – Christ, I’ve had enough of this shit. Movies based on theme park rides? This shit passes for actual ideas in Hollywood? If you’re gonna make a movie out of a ride, at least go with something stimulating like Sybian: The Movie or some shit. Sheesh.

Dallas Buyers Club – Movie spin-offs are rarely good (props to The Inbetweeners Movie though – the 18-rated Blu-Ray version only, obviously), so doing a film adaptation of some fucking 80s sitcom about wide-brimmed hats is a fucking stupid idea. Remember 21 Bum Street or whatever it was called? That was a crock of the utmost toss wasn’t it? Who shot JR? Who cares? Who farted?

Gravity – I’m not entirely sure what this film is about but if they’ve made a feature-length film about some cunt getting hit on the head with an apple then I’ll go apeshit.

Her – This is the one about the bloke that fucks his iPad right? Yeah good idea, but if you’re not actually gonna show any human/tablet penetration then what’s the fucking point? It’d be as pointless as buying an iPad and not fucking it.

Nebraska – I just went on Wikipedia to try and find out what this was about but as I was waiting for my page to load (the dial-up in these woods is shit) I caught sight of a rogue Peperami looking at me from the shower so I went and ate that instead. I sucked the shit out of the inner wrapper too – some say that’s the best bit. I say. I SAY IT.

Philomena – You don’t wait years for an Alan Partridge movie and then two come at fucking once. I’ve not seen the TV show so good luck persuading me to watch a film version – let alone TWO. You’d have better luck trying to get me to eat a vegetarian meal. Hint: your chances of succeeding greatly rely on whether cheese is involved or not.

12 Years a Slave – I don’t like depressing 18s, so FUCK depressing 15s.

“Oh, do you want to pay £10 for an ‘experience?'”

“Well what does this ‘experience’ entail?”

“Well, you pay the money, someone makes you cry and then you leave.”

“Naa, YOU’RE ALRIGHT MATE.”

The Wolf of Wall Street – YES THIS SHOULD WIN THE OSCAR FOR BEST THING.

o-WOLF-OF-WALL-STREET-TRAILER-facebook

Yes correct, Leo. You should celebrate – you’ve fucking won.

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R.I.P Drive (1998): The End Of An Era

drive-cover

So as you all know, my favourite film of all time is Drive. No, not that one, the other one. The one from 1998 starring Mark Dacascos and Kadeem Hardison. If you want to know why, then read my original review here. I have also talked about it here (and if you fancy reading about what I think of the Gosling Drive, why not click here?). So yeah, I fucking like Drive (1998).

BUT NOT ANY FUCKING MORE, BOZO.

Wanna know why?

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013

Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.

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SHITTEST 18 OF 2013

Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14

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VENDETTA (2013)

vendetta-newIn case you’re one of those weird things that sticks onto rocks in the sea and does fuck-all with your life, then you’ll know that I right like Danny Dyer. Fair enough, he’s been in some SHEEET, but he acknowledges this fact, which is something a lot of actors refuse to do – it’s nice to see a bit of honesty. He’s not trying to fool anyone – he does what he does and I’m happy with that. It helps that a lot of what he does is fucking good too, which is nice.

So to Vendetta – his new flick – is that one of the shit ones or one of the good ones? Well, it’s one of the fucking good ones you pillock. One of the main reasons for this is that it’s a revenge film – I will give four tonne to any smart-arse that can show me a revenge film that I won’t like (providing it’s an 18 of course). Good fucking luck – you won’t be able to do it. Revenge films are the best, because revenge is such a potent emotion – the feeling you get when drop a flaming cat shit down next-door’s chimney because their fucking muggy moggy turded on your sweet flower bed for the fifith time this week, is breathtaking. I love it. Continue reading

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