Tag Archives: a lonely place to die

Frightfest Round Up: Day 5

It seems like ages since I was actually at Frightfest now, but I’ve been so busy ordering amazing trainers online and having my haircut and running out of socks because I can’t be bothered to do any washing and defrosting chicken breasts and slotting it bigstyle and downing the pin out of some chins and drinking Frangelico which is the world’s best liqueur and drawing pictures of Wolverine and drawing pictures of hot women and accidentally falling in love with them and doing a bit more shunting the big-gun up the sexy chute and rinsing it out on the lagers with the big boys and telling people to fuck off and pumping so much steel you’d shit your pants if you saw it and doing shits in the bog and not flushing them for a laugh and not doing cardio because I’m not some sort of wack-ass pussy and telling egg-yolks to get the fuck out of my omelette and eliminating any male competition with a flurry of elbows and watching various 18s on my sweet-hole widescreen riding on 42s and cruising round town in my souped-up whip picking slutwise sorts from the side-streets and busting it up with a swift lick of my veiny road-hog while they sing my praises to high-Heaven and flick it up beantown with a dutty wine and a no-condoms-barred attitude to match my uncontrollably swinging thrust-hose.  So I haven’t really been able to update in a while, sorry.

Still, here’s the last day.

DAY 5

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NOT A HAPPY BUNNY part 2

Fucking fuck this shit.  Literally fuck it.  Put your dick in it and FUCK it.  Open its arse, bend it over AND FUCKING FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

You may have noticed that I’m a bit angry.  Well, you’ll probably want to know why, no?

Basically, I was perusing the BBFC website today and JESUS HOLY FUCKING CHRIST there was some shit on it.  Take a little look at the following:

 

I assume this is some sort of joke right?  This is the bloody lads at the BBFC pulling a fast one isn’t it?  They’re larking about like a bunch of cheeky rogues aren’t they? What a gang of ripping legends pulling our legs eh?  What a naughty bunch of coconuts?

Wait, my phone’s ringing brb.

***

OH TURNS OUT IT’S NOT A JOKE.

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Frightfest Preview (Day 5)

 

A Night In The Woods

Here’s the plot synopsis from the Frightfest website:

If you go out in the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise! That MONSTERS man is back and FrightFest has got him! Join Scoot McNairy who made a massive impact in Gareth Edwards’ award-winning fantasy, Anna Skellern from THE DESCENT: PART 2 and rising British star Andrew Hawley on a hitchhike into stark, staring horror. Brody, his girlfriend Kerry and their friend Leo go hiking in Dartmoor’s Wistman’s Woods, so named because of its legendary haunted past. That night jealousies, sexual tensions and strained relationships come to a head turning what should have been a peaceful camping adventure into a trip into terror. As collective paranoia reaches fever pitch it becomes clear that there is a much darker force at work in the ancient eerie surroundings. Who or what is after them? And can any one of them survive a night in the woods?

The poster makes this look like a Blair Witch Project rip-off, and to be honest, so does the plot outline.  I hope it’s not, because ‘a much darker force’ holds a lot of potential.  It may mean many things, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that’s it got something to do with a hungover bout of the shits.  Maybe the night in the woods is because the main guy has done too many shits in his toilet and it’s blocked so he’s got to go in the woods instead.

Can any of them survive a night in the woods?  Does a bear shit in the woods?  Can a bear survive a night shitting in the woods?  Can you bear to see me at night shitting in the woods?  Can you bear to see a bear spending a night shitting on my wood in the woods?  Can a bear bear to see a bear spending his time at night shitting on your wood in the shitty woods? Would you care to see a bare shit bare care bear spending a bare shitload of time shitting and spending a penny on a shit wooden knight’s wood at night in the woods covered in shit?

As you can probably tell I’m not all that bothered about this one.

Excitement Rating: **

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Frightfest have announced their first two films

I went to Frightfest last year – it’s a horror film festival that is held in Leicester Square every August.  I went on my own (thought it would be easier to pick up chicks – THAT WAS A MISTAKE) and I remember sitting there in an almost empty theatre between two films, eating my Haribo, thinking “I ent fucking doing this again for a packet of Haribo.”

HOWEVER I SHALL BE DOING IT AGAIN.

I just love 18s too much I suppose.  So, to hear that they’ve announced the opening and closing films was music to my dick.  The opening film will be the Guillermo del Toro (Blade II, 18, seen) produced Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. However, I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I mean I’ve seen the trailer and it looks like it could be pretty scary.

BUT THAT’S ABOUT IT FOR THE GOOD POINTS I’M AFRAID.

Katie Holmes is in it, the main character is a kid and it’s about evil imps.  Yeah sounds wicked mate, can’t wait to see it.  It’s definitely not going to be an 18 so those imps can fucking suck my bollocks off for all I care – I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot shit.  So that one’s out – what about the closing film?

Well it’s got Melissa George (Paradise Lost, 18, seen) in it who is as fit as a wincing bunter, so that’s a good start.  It’s called A Lonely Place to Die, and according to the Frightfest website, is about:

“Five mountaineers climbing the Scottish Highlands who stumble across an air pipe sticking out of the ground, from which they can hear the cries of a small girl who only speaks Serbian.”

For fuck’s sake.  Sounds brilliant guys, definitely going to be there for that one.  Unless of course they’re just holding back the part where the inbred, naked cannibals with nice tits turn up and fuck Melissa George in close-up for 2 hours and then eat each other.

Fingers crossed.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is I’d rather stuff both hands in my arse and try and ride a bike blindfolded with my dick taped to the handlebars than watch those films.

Actually that gives me an idea, brb.

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