Tag Archives: arnold schwarzenegger

Classic 18: Commando (1985)

commando_1985_poster_011It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.

If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.

Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.

So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back – only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.

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The Expendables (2010)

So The Expendables is now out on DVD.  And guess what?

It’s only a bloody fucking 18.

When it was in cinemas for some reason it was a 15 and I wasn’t able to watch it, but now it’s on DVD and they’ve released an uncut version, so I can.  So was it worth the wait?  I mean, when I first heard about the cast, I pulled down all of my Arnold Schwarzenegger posters, put them through a shredder, boiled them and ate them like spaghetti – I was that excited.  I also did a big shit.

Well unfortunately, it wasn’t worth the wait.  Bit of a nightmare really.  While it had its moments (specifically the bits that got cut to make it a 15), overall it just wasn’t up to scratch – and it’s too late to regurgitate all the Arnold spaghetti now.  I must look like a right lemon. (more…)

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People I Like no. 4: Brion James

Here’s a guy whose name I’ll bet ten Tazos that you don’t recognise.  If you do, it’s no skin off my back – I’ve got loads of Tazos.  But if you don’t (which you won’t) then drop and give me ten.

So, you might not recognise his name, but I bet 5 series 2 rare pogs that you’ll recognise his face:

Yes?  Unlucky, gimme your pogs.  No?  Again, not an issue – I’ve got pogs coming out of my arse. (more…)

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