Tag Archives: commando
It’s no secret how much I love Arnold Schwarzenegger – he’s the bee’s bollocks as far as I’m concerned. Fair enough, he’s been in some shit (True Lies, Conan The Barbarian, all the Terminator films, The Expendables 2 for example), but he’s also been in some absolute gems. Gems so shiny you can see your own dick in them. Gems so big and shiny you can see other people’s dicks in them. Gems so big and shiny and sharp that you don’t want to get too close to them otherwise you might cut your dick on them. One of those gems is Commando – Arnold’s role as John Matrix may just be his best.
If you’re unaware of what Commando is about, then not only are you probably wearing a nappy and going “GOO GOO GAA GAA I DUN A POO OUT MY BOTTY WAA WAA WAA”, you’re also a baby. So for all those babies out there, I’ll tell you what it’s about.
Arnold’s daughter is kidnapped and so he has to go and get her.
So it’s sort of a bit like Taken. Or Give Me My Fucking Cheestring Back – only in that one it’s not a daughter that’s been stolen, it’s my fucking Cheestring. Obviously, both those films are amazing and notable for the amount of violence in them, so if you like that sort of thing then you’re most likely going to like Commando.
I’d like to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had back when I was at school. One time me and my buddies were riding our motorcycles through the school, when we ran into our teacher, Ms. Connors. Obviously, she was annoyed because we were riding our motorcycles inside the school corridors, but she was probably also jealous of my sweet tight jeans and boots and my friend’s cool leather jacket with studs in the collar – you know what teachers are like.
Anyway, instead of just telling us off, she decided to make her arm melt to reveal a flamethrower and start trying to kill us with it.
Oh wait, no, I’ve got things mixed up here. That was a scene from Class of 1999. My mistake. The actual traumatic experience involved someone pushing me while I was at the urinal and a bit of piss going on my trousers, but flamethrowing teachers are much more interesting, so we’ll focus on them today. (more…)