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I just saw Gone Girl and Jesus M Christ on a Snakeboard, did it have a lot of twists in it. I couldn’t believe the hairs on my goochy gooch gooch, sheesh. But seeing as the film was a bit long and slow and I know what you lot are like, I thought I’d just list all of the spoilers here for you instead, so that you don’t need to watch it. Now you’ve got time to go and watch a Jeff Speakman movie or something instead. You don’t need to thank me.

Here are the twists in full:

• Amy (the ‘Gone Girl’) is not actually called Amy. She is called Rosamund.
• Likewise for her husband. His name is not Nick, it is Batman.
• She never actually ‘goes’ anywhere, because we keep seeing her throughout the film even though she was supposed to go missing at the beginning.
• Ben Affleck.
• It is not actually based on a book, because if that were the case, then how come David Fincher didn’t see the twist coming? If there was a book, he would have known the ending and there would have been no point in making the film.
• Regardless of what the trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may have you believe, there are actually no ‘teenage mutant ninja turtles’ in Gone Girl.
• Bruce Willis is a ghost.
• Emily Ratajkowski has a boyfriend. It is me. Don’t ask her about me though, she’ll probably say I don’t exist. That’s so Emily.
• Keyser Soze is a ghost.
• I am typing this naked.
• Rosamund is actually the murderer, only she did the murders from beyond the grave, using electricity to make the showers go extra hot and set fire to people.
• Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is a ghost.
• Hiding within the cleft in Ben Affleck’s chin is a miniature cunt.

N.B I have not seen Gone Girl.