Tag Archives: death warrant
If you’re a regular reader of this site (i.e a legend) then you’ll know that I bloody love Jean-Claude Van Damme. If you’re not (i.e a cunt), then you can fuck off.
Basically, for some reason I had not seen Death Warrant – this rocked me to my very core. My life was completely lacking. Nothing was complete. Meaningless sex with perfect 10s and legendary frozen vodka eating championships were the only distractions. It was always there, at the back of my head, popping in and out intermittently to wind me the fuck up.
But all that is over now – I have seen Death Warrant.
I bought it on one of my hungover Play.com shopping sprees. I do this quite often, and it’s the same every time – I’ll be checking my emails one day when I’ll see an email saying “Your Play.com order has been posted” to which I’ll always respond, “When the fuck was I on Play.com and what the fuck did I order?” It’s fun though, because I don’t open the emails, I just wait until the DVDs come through the door – it’s always a nice surprise. So when Death Warrant came through the door I was ecstatic. My willy span around so fast that I flew through the ceiling and landed in the back garden. Impaled a poor squirrel right through its arse too.
Serves it right for parading that sweet, furry tushy about the place like it’s some sort of supermodel.
Anyway, this is a review, so let’s get down to business:
Death Warrant is about this bloke called Jean-Claude Van Damme (I think) who goes undercover at this prison because some nutcase is stabbing inmates in the back of the head with an ice-pick. Basically, he’s gotta pose as a prisoner and investigate all the dodgy goings on without getting found out or fucking killed by this absolute psycho who turns up from Van Damme’s past. (more…)
This is going to be a long post because Van Damme (aka ‘The Muscles From Brussels’ (aka ‘The Bum From Belgium’ (aka ‘The I’m consistently in films that are amazing according to the guy that writes I Only Watch 18s’))) is so dedicated to the 18-rated cause that he’s hardly ever in anything that isn’t an 18. That means he’s been in LOADS of 18s. Therefore, in this worthy and insightful column I will discuss, analyse and explore the most important 18s of Jean-Claude Van Damme.