Tag Archives: dieter laser
Sorry I’ve been away for a bit, I basically set myself this challenge to finger exactly 2000 girls before I could write anything on this website again – not entirely sure why I did this though, so don’t ask. Anyway, I’ve done it now, so I can carry on writing about films and that. Also, I’ve just seen The Human Centipede III and I thought that would be a great one to get me back into the swing of things.
If you need to get yourself up to speed on the Human Centipede saga, then I suggest you read these two pieces of hilarious writing that I found on the internet one day when Googling “pictures of my dick human centipede”. Here’s a review of the first one, and here’s a review of the second one.
What you’ll notice is that I really liked the first one, but the second one wasn’t as good. This is something that happens a lot with sequels isn’t it? Especially when the first sequel is downgraded from an 18 – you know, like what happened with Taken. The first Taken was so good it actually caused me to do a poo which floated out of my arse and slowly rose up towards the ceiling before resting there like a tiny blimp. I think it’s still there now – you’ll have to ask the people at the cinema. However, Taken 2 was a 12A! If there’s anything that’s gonna get that Goodyear turd down from the roof, it’s that. The less said about Taken 3 (or as I like to call it – Taken WEE), the better.
Anyway, The Human Centipede II was still an 18, and one so extreme that it was actually refused a classification the first time round. When it was eventually released it was cut a bit, but still an 18. This made me happy as well as unhappy – the same as when I have a wank, sort of. But either way, it wasn’t as good as the first one.
So you’ve probably heard of The Human Centipede by now. If not, I’ll enlighten you – it’s about a man who decides it would be a bit of a lark to surgically attach three people mouth to anus, thus forming the titular abomination.
So yeah, not about a guy who turns into a centipede (something which my friend who went with me (to the premiere, if you’re asking) thought it was about – needless to say she was surprised). However, once you’re over the initial idea, The Human Centipede isn’t that hard to watch. It is however, really good.
The film begins with two girls broken down on a deserted road,
“Fuck” one of them says, “what are we going to do?”
“Erm, well, I’ve been looking at your arse and I quite fancy stitching my mouth to it – so what say we find a mad scientist willing to do it for us?” The other replies.
“Yeah go on then you bitch, SPRING BREAK!” (more…)