Tag Archives: dolph lundgren

I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013

Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.

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SHITTEST 18 OF 2013

Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14

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Ok well this looks fucking wicked

 

As I’ve told you before, I sodding well like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and Scott Adkins. What I might not have told you is my three biggest wishes:

1) For the endless stream of women knocking on my front door to cease FOR ONCE, I need some shut eye guys, just leave me alone.

2) For my penis to be able to produce Cadbury’s creme eggs without causing pain and/or irreparable damage to my glans.

3) For Van Damme, Lundgren and Adkins to star in a film together.

Well, number one hasn’t happened yet, and neither has number two (got high hopes for it though) but guess what? Number three has fucking happened! (more…)

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The Expendables (2010)

So The Expendables is now out on DVD.  And guess what?

It’s only a bloody fucking 18.

When it was in cinemas for some reason it was a 15 and I wasn’t able to watch it, but now it’s on DVD and they’ve released an uncut version, so I can.  So was it worth the wait?  I mean, when I first heard about the cast, I pulled down all of my Arnold Schwarzenegger posters, put them through a shredder, boiled them and ate them like spaghetti – I was that excited.  I also did a big shit.

Well unfortunately, it wasn’t worth the wait.  Bit of a nightmare really.  While it had its moments (specifically the bits that got cut to make it a 15), overall it just wasn’t up to scratch – and it’s too late to regurgitate all the Arnold spaghetti now.  I must look like a right lemon. (more…)

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Classic 18: Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)

Not to be confused with Big Trouble in Little China (15 – bleeurrgghh splat splat splat, uuuuuhhhhh, BLEEAAUURRGhh splat splat splot heeeeeuuuur, hooooooo, huuuuurrrr RRRRRRBLEEEUUAARRGHH BLUUUEEAARRGHH SPLAT SPLITTER SPLOTT SPLOT SPLOT), Showdown in Little Tokyo is an ’80s action movie (even though it was made in 1991) like no other.

Well, actually, it’s like loads of others, but it’s one of the best of the bunch.  It’s got Dolph Lundgren (from 18s like The Killing Machine (seen), Universal Soldier: Regeneration (seen), Universal Soldier (seen), and Dark Angel (seen)), Brandon Lee (Bruce’s son – from 18s like The Crow (seen) and Rapid Fire (seen)) and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (from 18s like The Art of War (seen), Vampires (seen), and Nemesis (seen)) and directed by Mark L. Lester (who also directed 18s like Class of 1999 (seen) and Commando (seen)).  Four reasons why it’s worth watching, clearly. (more…)

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