Tag Archives: don’t be afraid of the dark

Frightfest Round Up: Day 1

So I’m back from Frightfest now and I’m absolutely knackered.  A combination of endless film watching, late nights, early starts and relentless cubicle ramming in the girls bogs has truly taken it out of me and all I really want to do is sleep.  But because I’m sure you want to know how many women I slept with over the weekend (and how good the films were) I thought I’d start my weekend write up now innit.

I’m only going to briefly outline my thoughts on the films that I saw because I figured it would be much better to give them proper reviews. And also I’ll be able to fit in more penis jokes that way.

So let’s start with Day 1:


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Fucking fuck this shit.  Literally fuck it.  Put your dick in it and FUCK it.  Open its arse, bend it over AND FUCKING FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

You may have noticed that I’m a bit angry.  Well, you’ll probably want to know why, no?

Basically, I was perusing the BBFC website today and JESUS HOLY FUCKING CHRIST there was some shit on it.  Take a little look at the following:


I assume this is some sort of joke right?  This is the bloody lads at the BBFC pulling a fast one isn’t it?  They’re larking about like a bunch of cheeky rogues aren’t they? What a gang of ripping legends pulling our legs eh?  What a naughty bunch of coconuts?

Wait, my phone’s ringing brb.




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Frightfest Preview (Day 1)

I’m quite excited about Frightfest (in case you hadn’t noticed), so I thought I’d run through the films on each day as a little taster of things in store.  Firstly, I’ll take a look at the Thursday:
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark


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Frightfest have announced their first two films

I went to Frightfest last year – it’s a horror film festival that is held in Leicester Square every August.  I went on my own (thought it would be easier to pick up chicks – THAT WAS A MISTAKE) and I remember sitting there in an almost empty theatre between two films, eating my Haribo, thinking “I ent fucking doing this again for a packet of Haribo.”


I just love 18s too much I suppose.  So, to hear that they’ve announced the opening and closing films was music to my dick.  The opening film will be the Guillermo del Toro (Blade II, 18, seen) produced Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. However, I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I mean I’ve seen the trailer and it looks like it could be pretty scary.


Katie Holmes is in it, the main character is a kid and it’s about evil imps.  Yeah sounds wicked mate, can’t wait to see it.  It’s definitely not going to be an 18 so those imps can fucking suck my bollocks off for all I care – I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot shit.  So that one’s out – what about the closing film?

Well it’s got Melissa George (Paradise Lost, 18, seen) in it who is as fit as a wincing bunter, so that’s a good start.  It’s called A Lonely Place to Die, and according to the Frightfest website, is about:

“Five mountaineers climbing the Scottish Highlands who stumble across an air pipe sticking out of the ground, from which they can hear the cries of a small girl who only speaks Serbian.”

For fuck’s sake.  Sounds brilliant guys, definitely going to be there for that one.  Unless of course they’re just holding back the part where the inbred, naked cannibals with nice tits turn up and fuck Melissa George in close-up for 2 hours and then eat each other.

Fingers crossed.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is I’d rather stuff both hands in my arse and try and ride a bike blindfolded with my dick taped to the handlebars than watch those films.

Actually that gives me an idea, brb.

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