Tag Archives: FrightFest



So, for the first time in six years, I didn’t go to Frightfest. That’s a shit of the highest weight and circumference. What a cod of turds. I won’t go into the reasons why but it annoyed my pants all the way right up into my bum, all the way through my intestines, through my stomach, up my gullet and then right out of my mouth and into the face of the audience who were watching my magic show. Couldn’t have asked for better timing to be honest.


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Frightfest: Are They 18s?


As you all know, it’s Frightfest coming up in August, and obviously I’m going. OBVIOUSLY. Why wouldn’t I? Where else can you watch bare decent horror films and then also go for a swift bang in the bogs in the interim? Yes, ONE other place – my house. Well, flat. Well, shed. Well, my mate’s shed.

However, and for some reason I can’t quite fathom, sometimes they show films which aren’t 18s. This blows my tiny little knob – it’s insane. Luckily, they do quite well in showing a bunch of genuinely good 18s, too. So what I thought I’d do is do a bit of research to try and find out which ones are 18s and which ones aren’t so that then you know which ones to go and see and which ones to hurl faeces at.


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Frightfest All-Nighter Review

So a couple of weeks back, I showed you my predictions for the Frightfest Halloween All-Nighter in the form of crude drawings with willies in them. I laughed while I was drawing them so they MUST have been funny. So to keep with the trend, I thought I’d do my review in the form of crude drawings with willies in them too. So here is what I actually thought of the movies at the Frightfest All-Nighter after I’d seen them:





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Frightfest 2012 Round Up: Day 1


I think I’ve just about got over Frightfest now. I had to have a break from watching horror films (well, films in general) and wait for the swelling on my willy to go down before I could get round to starting my review of the festival. Well, the ice-pack that I stole from that prick outside the hospital came in handy because my oak is now at its usual girth.

“What are you talking about? That thing is massive! Put the ice-pack back on it you idiot!”

Incorrect, that is the usual size – you should have seen it last week. Like a sodding ciabatta it was. Anyway,  I’m going to stop talking about my thrute now (I’m not) and get down to the important business of what the fuck happened at Frightfest 2012… (more…)

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Frightfest 2012 Preview (Day 4)


The Thompsons

This is a sequel to The Hamiltons, which I haven’t actually seen because I thought it looked shit. I don’t watch things that I think look shit. Like that girl in that club last weekend – she looked shit so I didn’t even look at her when she came over.

Wow, that was really sexist. Erm, I’ve got a really small willy and am prone to premature ejaculation. That should offset the balance – I’m all about equal opportunities. (more…)

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Frightfest 2012 Preview (Day 3)

Here’s a hip-thrusting look at day three you bastards:

Eurocrime! The Italian Cop and Gangster Films that Ruled the 70’s

So to start off the day we’ve got a sodding documentary about a load of films I haven’t ever seen. Great.

“Hey, do you guys want to watch the movie I’ve just made about my secret collection of toenails and dried semen residue? It’s feature length! You had no idea about this and have never seen any of my collection, but now I’m going to show you glimpses of it and talk to the people that contributed to it! It may even make you want to start your own collection you well-pedicured wanker!” (more…)

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Frightfest 2012 Preview (Day 2)

So the Friday is the first day after the fluffer that is Thursday. Let’s take you through these fuck-bags:

Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut

Now I’ve seen Nightbreed before, and I thoroughly enjoyed it – it’s about a load of monsters living underground or something. I can’t quite remember the full plot, I saw it ages ago, and if I remember rightly, I was on a revolving bed full of about 35 women so I only really got the bits where I was facing the screen. Which is probably a good thing because Clive Barker (writer and director) wasn’t best pleased with the original studio cut. (more…)

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Frightfest 2012 Preview (Day 1)


If you hadn’t noticed that hard lump pressing against your back by now, then I assume you won’t know that I’m pretty excited about going to Frightfest this year. I’ve got my ticket, I’ve stocked up on flavoured femidoms and I’m growing my pubes at an alarming rate. So to get myself and everyone else in the mood, I’m going to lay out my thoughts on the films showing at this year’s festival, day by day. First up, day 1. Obviously, you fuck. (more…)

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Frightfest is soon and I’ve already dropped my gusset, BIG TIME.

As you may know, I love Frightfest. I have talked about it many times on this website before – just search for Frightfest on the right and you’ll find a wealth of hilarious and/or arousing material to get you through this evening.


Thank you. Well, it’s coming up in a few months once more and I’m so excited that I got in trouble at the farm just now for fisting one of those goat things. Sheeps I think they’re called.



I’ve been excited about this for a while, and have been fisting animals for about 6 weeks now, but today’s farm excursion was in response to the announcement of the opening and closing films. The opening film is The Seasoning House, which isn’t actually about an abode with a particularly well-stocked herb-rack, but actually about a girl forced to work in a brothel, who decides to exact revenge against her captors.

It’s directed by Paul Hyett, who is normally an FX guy, so I’ve got relatively average-height hopes for this. Quite often directors who used to do horror special effects make pretty gory films. So penal region is just below half-mast I guess.

The closing film is Tower Block, which is about a bunch of people in a =””TOWER BLOCK””= being shot at by a mysterious sniper. Not really so into this to be honest – it’s a bit ‘been there, fisted that’ isn’t it? Sounds like Phone Booth or Two Minute Warning, neither of which I’ve seen (busy shagging on zip-lines), but both of which exist. However, I could be swayed if this is an 18, in which case hand me that vibrator, it’s about to get steamy.

Also as an extra little teaser, they announced that they’ll be showing REC3, which is most definitely a good thing because REC was amazing. I haven’t seen REC2 yet but I’ll be sure to rinse it before Frightfest.

So regardless of whether it’s shaping up to be an amazing year or not (can’t tell until they release the full line-up), I’m still extremely excited. So excited in fact, I think that crow that’s been looking at me from outside is in for a deep hiding.

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Frightfest Round Up: Day 5

It seems like ages since I was actually at Frightfest now, but I’ve been so busy ordering amazing trainers online and having my haircut and running out of socks because I can’t be bothered to do any washing and defrosting chicken breasts and slotting it bigstyle and downing the pin out of some chins and drinking Frangelico which is the world’s best liqueur and drawing pictures of Wolverine and drawing pictures of hot women and accidentally falling in love with them and doing a bit more shunting the big-gun up the sexy chute and rinsing it out on the lagers with the big boys and telling people to fuck off and pumping so much steel you’d shit your pants if you saw it and doing shits in the bog and not flushing them for a laugh and not doing cardio because I’m not some sort of wack-ass pussy and telling egg-yolks to get the fuck out of my omelette and eliminating any male competition with a flurry of elbows and watching various 18s on my sweet-hole widescreen riding on 42s and cruising round town in my souped-up whip picking slutwise sorts from the side-streets and busting it up with a swift lick of my veiny road-hog while they sing my praises to high-Heaven and flick it up beantown with a dutty wine and a no-condoms-barred attitude to match my uncontrollably swinging thrust-hose.  So I haven’t really been able to update in a while, sorry.

Still, here’s the last day.



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