Tag Archives: FrightFest

The I Only Watch 18s Guide to Film Festival Etiquette

I’m going to Frightfest this weekend and I’m so excited I could tie a swan’s neck in a knot.  I’ve been to numerous film festivals before so I know how to act, but some of you might not, so I thought I’d give you a little guide on how to behave at a film festival like Frightfest.

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE AMOUNT OF PUSSY YOU WILL GET AFTER READING THIS.

That’s the light bouncing off my helmet up near the top.

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NOT A HAPPY BUNNY part 2

Fucking fuck this shit.  Literally fuck it.  Put your dick in it and FUCK it.  Open its arse, bend it over AND FUCKING FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

You may have noticed that I’m a bit angry.  Well, you’ll probably want to know why, no?

Basically, I was perusing the BBFC website today and JESUS HOLY FUCKING CHRIST there was some shit on it.  Take a little look at the following:

 

I assume this is some sort of joke right?  This is the bloody lads at the BBFC pulling a fast one isn’t it?  They’re larking about like a bunch of cheeky rogues aren’t they? What a gang of ripping legends pulling our legs eh?  What a naughty bunch of coconuts?

Wait, my phone’s ringing brb.

***

OH TURNS OUT IT’S NOT A JOKE.

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Frightfest Preview (Day 5)

 

A Night In The Woods

Here’s the plot synopsis from the Frightfest website:

If you go out in the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise! That MONSTERS man is back and FrightFest has got him! Join Scoot McNairy who made a massive impact in Gareth Edwards’ award-winning fantasy, Anna Skellern from THE DESCENT: PART 2 and rising British star Andrew Hawley on a hitchhike into stark, staring horror. Brody, his girlfriend Kerry and their friend Leo go hiking in Dartmoor’s Wistman’s Woods, so named because of its legendary haunted past. That night jealousies, sexual tensions and strained relationships come to a head turning what should have been a peaceful camping adventure into a trip into terror. As collective paranoia reaches fever pitch it becomes clear that there is a much darker force at work in the ancient eerie surroundings. Who or what is after them? And can any one of them survive a night in the woods?

The poster makes this look like a Blair Witch Project rip-off, and to be honest, so does the plot outline.  I hope it’s not, because ‘a much darker force’ holds a lot of potential.  It may mean many things, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that’s it got something to do with a hungover bout of the shits.  Maybe the night in the woods is because the main guy has done too many shits in his toilet and it’s blocked so he’s got to go in the woods instead.

Can any of them survive a night in the woods?  Does a bear shit in the woods?  Can a bear survive a night shitting in the woods?  Can you bear to see me at night shitting in the woods?  Can you bear to see a bear spending a night shitting on my wood in the woods?  Can a bear bear to see a bear spending his time at night shitting on your wood in the shitty woods? Would you care to see a bare shit bare care bear spending a bare shitload of time shitting and spending a penny on a shit wooden knight’s wood at night in the woods covered in shit?

As you can probably tell I’m not all that bothered about this one.

Excitement Rating: **

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Frightfest Preview (Day 2)

Rogue River

No, not a film about a river that can absorb other rivers’ powers just by touching them – it’s actually a film about a weird bloke that likes to watch people sleep.  I’m the opposite – I like to watch people while I sleep, it properly freaks them out.  Anyway, he doesn’t just watch people sleep, because judging by the trailer, he also likes to kill people.

This doesn’t look like anything too original, but it does look pretty good, and besides, it’s got Bill Moseley in it.  And he’s playing a weirdo.  He’s just about one of the best actors in the biz at playing a weirdo.

Apart from Nicole Kidman.

Excitement Rating: As excited as I would be waiting in a queue in the cinema for a film called Rogue River.

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Frightfest Preview (Day 1)

I’m quite excited about Frightfest (in case you hadn’t noticed), so I thought I’d run through the films on each day as a little taster of things in store.  Firstly, I’ll take a look at the Thursday:
 
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
 

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The Frightfest Dilemma

So I’ve bought my Frightfest tickets – I’m going for the whole weekend and you WILL NOT believe the amount of sex I’m going to have over the five days.  It’s gonna be: film, shag, film, shag, lunch, film, shag, film, wank, shag, film, shag, film, go home, wank, go to bed, wake up, film, shag, film, shag, film, lunch, shag, shag, film, and so on…(i.e shag, film, shag, film, shag, wank, lunch, shit, piss (can’t do one without the other), shag, film, shag, film, punch back of chair in front when tits appear on screen, shag, finger on back row during extremely tense scene causing inappropriate screams of ecstasy, sandwich, quick max out of bench-press, film, sleep, sleeping wank, wake up, shag, and so on…).

I will enjoy myself immensely.  So will any girl that comes into contact with my insatiable wand of ultimate pleasure.  However, I face an extremely frightening hurdle.  A hurdle so frightening it’s hard to even imagine facing it.  The kind of hurdle that has barbed wire covered metal dildoes glued to the top that squirt out molten lava and you have to run the race naked and you’ve got an electro-magnet implanted in your anus and a blindfold on and there are banana peels everywhere and also you can’t remember if you left the front door open or not.

Basically, my problem is:

HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW IF WHAT I’M WATCHING IS AN 18 OR NOT?

Obviously, the majority of these films will be 18s, but there’s always the chance that I might inadvertently watch a 15.  It’ll be impossible to know until the films are released (and in some cases, they never even are in England).  Still, I’ve got a good chance that what I’ll see is an 18, and I have a number of methods to combat this dilemma.

1. If I feel, during the film, that it’s definitely not going to be an 18, then I shall leave the theatre spitting and throwing Haribo about the place.

2.  If I find out beforehand that the film has already been rated as anything less than an 18 I will not watch the film.  However, I might enter the auditorium and throw a fucking dog shit into the idiotic audience.

3.  If I find out afterwards that one of the films I have watched was not an 18, I shall employ the services of a hypnotist in order to erase all memory of ever seeing the bastard sod.  I shall also seek indirect retribution by hiding little pieces of sick inside the DVD cases of the offending movies in popular retail outlets like HMV.

So, all in all, I think you can maintain your trust in my integrity.

 

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Frightfest have announced their first two films

I went to Frightfest last year – it’s a horror film festival that is held in Leicester Square every August.  I went on my own (thought it would be easier to pick up chicks – THAT WAS A MISTAKE) and I remember sitting there in an almost empty theatre between two films, eating my Haribo, thinking “I ent fucking doing this again for a packet of Haribo.”

HOWEVER I SHALL BE DOING IT AGAIN.

I just love 18s too much I suppose.  So, to hear that they’ve announced the opening and closing films was music to my dick.  The opening film will be the Guillermo del Toro (Blade II, 18, seen) produced Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. However, I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I mean I’ve seen the trailer and it looks like it could be pretty scary.

BUT THAT’S ABOUT IT FOR THE GOOD POINTS I’M AFRAID.

Katie Holmes is in it, the main character is a kid and it’s about evil imps.  Yeah sounds wicked mate, can’t wait to see it.  It’s definitely not going to be an 18 so those imps can fucking suck my bollocks off for all I care – I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot shit.  So that one’s out – what about the closing film?

Well it’s got Melissa George (Paradise Lost, 18, seen) in it who is as fit as a wincing bunter, so that’s a good start.  It’s called A Lonely Place to Die, and according to the Frightfest website, is about:

“Five mountaineers climbing the Scottish Highlands who stumble across an air pipe sticking out of the ground, from which they can hear the cries of a small girl who only speaks Serbian.”

For fuck’s sake.  Sounds brilliant guys, definitely going to be there for that one.  Unless of course they’re just holding back the part where the inbred, naked cannibals with nice tits turn up and fuck Melissa George in close-up for 2 hours and then eat each other.

Fingers crossed.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is I’d rather stuff both hands in my arse and try and ride a bike blindfolded with my dick taped to the handlebars than watch those films.

Actually that gives me an idea, brb.

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18 related anecdote no. 40

So I was walking up to the train station this morning when I saw a ginger girl who looked quite attractive.  The fact that she was ginger and attractive is a massive plus because I like ginger girls who are also attractive.  Then, oh no!  She tripped!  I heard a clatter and I assumed that she’d dropped some books, but as I walked closer I realised they were DVDs.

This was a good start.

However, she’d be going right back on the floor if they were shit ones.  I quickened my pace in order to have a look, and I felt my temples pulse, my trousers strain, and my buttocks clench – I knew what was about to happen.

MY 18 SENSE WAS FUCKING TINGLING.

I peered on the floor and saw that bright red beacon of hope and instantly the girl became one hundred times more attractive.  The DVD was Mirrors 2, which I haven’t seen and is supposed to be shit but I couldn’t have given six shafting cum-stains – all that mattered was that it was an 18.  The fact it was a horror only made her more eligible.

Then, as I walked past, not bothering to help because I’m fucking cool and hard and I didn’t want to break my swagger, I saw some of the other DVDs.  One was green.

I knew instantly which one it was.

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