Tag Archives: frightfest 2011

Frightfest Round Up: Day 5

It seems like ages since I was actually at Frightfest now, but I’ve been so busy ordering amazing trainers online and having my haircut and running out of socks because I can’t be bothered to do any washing and defrosting chicken breasts and slotting it bigstyle and downing the pin out of some chins and drinking Frangelico which is the world’s best liqueur and drawing pictures of Wolverine and drawing pictures of hot women and accidentally falling in love with them and doing a bit more shunting the big-gun up the sexy chute and rinsing it out on the lagers with the big boys and telling people to fuck off and pumping so much steel you’d shit your pants if you saw it and doing shits in the bog and not flushing them for a laugh and not doing cardio because I’m not some sort of wack-ass pussy and telling egg-yolks to get the fuck out of my omelette and eliminating any male competition with a flurry of elbows and watching various 18s on my sweet-hole widescreen riding on 42s and cruising round town in my souped-up whip picking slutwise sorts from the side-streets and busting it up with a swift lick of my veiny road-hog while they sing my praises to high-Heaven and flick it up beantown with a dutty wine and a no-condoms-barred attitude to match my uncontrollably swinging thrust-hose.  So I haven’t really been able to update in a while, sorry.

Still, here’s the last day.

DAY 5

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Frightfest Round Up: Day 4

DAY 4

Wowzah, this watching films/shagging/running about being extremely fickle and childish act was taking it out of me – I was well and truly spent.  Which is why I thought ‘shove it’ and skipped the first film today – I was knackered, hungover and besides, this mint broad didn’t want me to leave.  So I stayed about for a bit more ramshank and finally left when she got bored of me talking relentlessly about horror films and not letting her speak.  The last straw was the Predator impressions.

I HATE FRIGID GIRLS.

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Frightfest Round Up: Day 3

DAY 3

So, fresh from my rip-roaring rampage of rooting yesterday, I was ready for some more 18s and of course, a swift slice of ram round the back of the motherfucking bike sheds.

So first up was Troll Hunter;

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Frightfest Round Up: Day 2

DAY 2

I needed to step up my game.  I hadn’t got the proverbial leg over and I’d only watched one film and it was shit.  Today had better pull its finger out otherwise I was gonna kick off BIG TIME.

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Frightfest Round Up: Day 1

So I’m back from Frightfest now and I’m absolutely knackered.  A combination of endless film watching, late nights, early starts and relentless cubicle ramming in the girls bogs has truly taken it out of me and all I really want to do is sleep.  But because I’m sure you want to know how many women I slept with over the weekend (and how good the films were) I thought I’d start my weekend write up now innit.

I’m only going to briefly outline my thoughts on the films that I saw because I figured it would be much better to give them proper reviews. And also I’ll be able to fit in more penis jokes that way.

So let’s start with Day 1:

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Frightfest Preview (Day 5)

 

A Night In The Woods

Here’s the plot synopsis from the Frightfest website:

If you go out in the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise! That MONSTERS man is back and FrightFest has got him! Join Scoot McNairy who made a massive impact in Gareth Edwards’ award-winning fantasy, Anna Skellern from THE DESCENT: PART 2 and rising British star Andrew Hawley on a hitchhike into stark, staring horror. Brody, his girlfriend Kerry and their friend Leo go hiking in Dartmoor’s Wistman’s Woods, so named because of its legendary haunted past. That night jealousies, sexual tensions and strained relationships come to a head turning what should have been a peaceful camping adventure into a trip into terror. As collective paranoia reaches fever pitch it becomes clear that there is a much darker force at work in the ancient eerie surroundings. Who or what is after them? And can any one of them survive a night in the woods?

The poster makes this look like a Blair Witch Project rip-off, and to be honest, so does the plot outline.  I hope it’s not, because ‘a much darker force’ holds a lot of potential.  It may mean many things, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that’s it got something to do with a hungover bout of the shits.  Maybe the night in the woods is because the main guy has done too many shits in his toilet and it’s blocked so he’s got to go in the woods instead.

Can any of them survive a night in the woods?  Does a bear shit in the woods?  Can a bear survive a night shitting in the woods?  Can you bear to see me at night shitting in the woods?  Can you bear to see a bear spending a night shitting on my wood in the woods?  Can a bear bear to see a bear spending his time at night shitting on your wood in the shitty woods? Would you care to see a bare shit bare care bear spending a bare shitload of time shitting and spending a penny on a shit wooden knight’s wood at night in the woods covered in shit?

As you can probably tell I’m not all that bothered about this one.

Excitement Rating: **

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Frightfest Preview (Day 4)

The Divide 

This is a post-apocalyptic horror from Xavier Gens – the guy behind Frontier(s) (which was an 18 for all you legends out there), so chances are it could be great.

Until that is, you realise that it’s not a mega-explosion all over your tits with a dildo kind of futuristic action movie – it’s YET ANOTHER of those ‘group of people stuck in a confined space oh no I wonder what’ll happen here everyone’s probably going to get along fine and find out they’re all really big Spice Girls fans and that they all universally agree that Scotch eggs are a rather enjoyable protein-filled snack oops no they’re not they’re actually going to fall out spectacularly and get all paranoid and probably start trying to kill each other but two of them might have sex at some point but mostly they’ll be wanting to kill each other.’ type movies.

You know the ones – ‘the danger’s not out there, it’s in here. The real evil is inside all of us.’ Fuck that, the real evil is inside ME – the morning after a curry.  That’s something you don’t want to see unleashed.

Actually I’d pay a fucking LOT to see that movie.

Excitement Rating: About as excited as I was when I started this ‘excitement rating’ idea because I thought it would be funny but now I can’t be bothered to carry it on so I think I’ll just stick with star ratings from now on.

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Frightfest Preview (Day 3)

Troll Hunter

Sounds like a film about me on a Saturday night when I’ve had too much to drink, but I don’t think this film is about that.  It’s actually about giant trolls – SOUNDS LIKE  A FILM ABOUT ME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN I’VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK.  No, like actual gigantic, grotesque, monster trolls, like the ones from myths and legends – SOUNDS LIKE A FILM ABOUT ME ON A SATUR-

Sorry.

Yeah, Troll Hunter is one of those hand held camera movies, you know the ones:

“I’m going to document this event with my camera.”
“Good for you.”
“Oh shit, things are going wrong.”
“Uh oh, better put the camera down then”
“No way, I’m filming this.”
“That’s a stupid idea.”
“No it’s not, we need to document this.”
“No we don’t – if we do we’ll probably all die.  Look, there’s a fucking monster behind you.”
“Oh, shit, better film it.”
“PUT THE FUCKING CAMERA DOWN YOU IDIOT.”
“No! Ouch, it’s biting my leg.”
“If you put the camera down you could probably punch it in the face.  Ouch, there’s a monster biting me now – can you help me?”
“This is great stuff.”
“Can you put the camera down and fucking help me please?  This monster is killing me.”
“Great shot, this is brill.”
“Well done, I’m dying now – fuck you.”
“What a neat twist.”

And this time it’s about trolls so it’s not going to be an 18 so I’m probably going to down three pints of vodka and go troll hunting in town instead.

Excitement Rating: As excited as finding someone else’s jizz on my toothbrush.

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