Tag Archives: frightfest 2012
Right, I’ll warn you now, this post is extremely childish. But then I guess you wouldn’t like this website if you weren’t slightly childish. So fuck it.
Anyway, it’s the Frightfest all-nighter this weekend, and I am fucking going. I’m sure it’ll be the usual mix of funilingus, rooting, drinking, shitting, pissing and slipping a neat connie over my swonk-on and poshing it till hometime. Oh and obviously I’ll be watching some films too. There will be six films this year, and with the help of some highly intellectual drawings done by yours truly, I shall run through what I think of each one before I’ve even seen it. Let’s go:
WELL GUESS WHAT I’D HAD A SHIT AND THAT WAS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERED WASN’T IT AND IT WAS ALL SO FUCKING LONG AGO NOW THAT I DOUBT ANY OF YOU CARE AND I’M NOT SURE IF I EVEN DO NOW AND BESIDES I’VE SEEN SOME WICKED 18S RECENTLY LIKE DREDD, KILLER JOE AND WRONG TURN 4 THAT I’D QUITE LIKE TO REVIEW OK WRONG TURN 4 WAS SHIT BUT STILL I’D RATHER REVIEW THAT THAN BUGGER ON ABOUT A FILM FESTIVAL THAT ENDED OVER A MONTH AGO AND ALSO I’VE JUST BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR THE FRIGHTFEST ALL-NIGHTER IN OCTOBER AND THAT’S ALL ANYONE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT NOW ANYWAY SO I’M GONNA GET THIS OVER WITH QUICKLY SO I CAN GET ONTO THE JUICY STUFF INNIT OH AND DID I MENTION I’D DONE THAT SHIT THAT I WAS HARPING ON ABOUT?
Let’s do this sharpish:
American Mary – So good I’d happily get a tattoo of Katherine Isabelle on my penis so that every time I got an erection it looked like she was staring at me. Actually fuck it, that sounds terrifying. But yeah, American Mary was extremely good and I highly recommend it. (more…)
It’s been a month since Frightfest and I still haven’t finished my round-ups. What can I say? I’m so fucking on the pulse it’s positively erectile. I Only Watch 18s – where you get the BEST movie news FIRST.
Anyway, I’m bored of writing about Frightfest now so let’s get on with this shit.
Oh p.s still couldn’t get a shit out in the morning.
So the first film was The Thompsons which is a sequel to The Hamiltons which I have not seen because now and again I like to judge a DVD by the little pictures on the back (or the COVER) and I thought it looked shit so I think I picked up something like The Slumber Party Massacre or some Playboy special or some shit instead. Both have tits in them and I think I was in the mood for tits. Like most of the time then. (more…)
Sorry I’ve been so lax with my Frightfest reviews, it’s just I’ve been pretty fucking busy since the last update – shag count: 5, wank count: 10, poo count: 17, pint count: 38, fellatio count: 0, cunnilingus count: 95 – you know the drill. Anyway, let’s carry on with this shit:
So, I woke up immediately and went to the toilet to tense all the muscles in my neck in a vain attempt to force a shit out of my blocked arsehole. This didn’t sodding happen so I reluctantly pulled up my trousers and headed out to Leicester Square, seriously worried about where I was going to have to drop this chod when it inevitably tapped me on the shoulder later and said “YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES BEFORE YOU SHIT YOURSELF, FIND A BOG NOW YOU LITTLE PRICK.”
But first up it was Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut which is a new cut of Nightbreed, obviously. This one is fucking massively longer and the extra bits are sourced from some old video tapes that were found up some dead bloke’s arse or something, so they look like shit. (more…)
I think I’ve just about got over Frightfest now. I had to have a break from watching horror films (well, films in general) and wait for the swelling on my willy to go down before I could get round to starting my review of the festival. Well, the ice-pack that I stole from that prick outside the hospital came in handy because my oak is now at its usual girth.
“What are you talking about? That thing is massive! Put the ice-pack back on it you idiot!”
Incorrect, that is the usual size – you should have seen it last week. Like a sodding ciabatta it was. Anyway, I’m going to stop talking about my thrute now (I’m not) and get down to the important business of what the fuck happened at Frightfest 2012… (more…)
STOP WANKING, IT’S TIME TO READ ABOUT DAY 4:
This is a sequel to The Hamiltons, which I haven’t actually seen because I thought it looked shit. I don’t watch things that I think look shit. Like that girl in that club last weekend – she looked shit so I didn’t even look at her when she came over.
Wow, that was really sexist. Erm, I’ve got a really small willy and am prone to premature ejaculation. That should offset the balance – I’m all about equal opportunities. (more…)
If you hadn’t noticed that hard lump pressing against your back by now, then I assume you won’t know that I’m pretty excited about going to Frightfest this year. I’ve got my ticket, I’ve stocked up on flavoured femidoms and I’m growing my pubes at an alarming rate. So to get myself and everyone else in the mood, I’m going to lay out my thoughts on the films showing at this year’s festival, day by day. First up, day 1. Obviously, you fuck. (more…)
As you may know, I love Frightfest. I have talked about it many times on this website before – just search for Frightfest on the right and you’ll find a wealth of hilarious and/or arousing material to get you through this evening.
GO ON THEN, SEARCH FOR FRIGHTFEST AND READ IT ALL.
Thank you. Well, it’s coming up in a few months once more and I’m so excited that I got in trouble at the farm just now for fisting one of those goat things. Sheeps I think they’re called.
I’ve been excited about this for a while, and have been fisting animals for about 6 weeks now, but today’s farm excursion was in response to the announcement of the opening and closing films. The opening film is The Seasoning House, which isn’t actually about an abode with a particularly well-stocked herb-rack, but actually about a girl forced to work in a brothel, who decides to exact revenge against her captors.
It’s directed by Paul Hyett, who is normally an FX guy, so I’ve got relatively average-height hopes for this. Quite often directors who used to do horror special effects make pretty gory films. So penal region is just below half-mast I guess.
The closing film is Tower Block, which is about a bunch of people in a =””TOWER BLOCK””= being shot at by a mysterious sniper. Not really so into this to be honest – it’s a bit ‘been there, fisted that’ isn’t it? Sounds like Phone Booth or Two Minute Warning, neither of which I’ve seen (busy shagging on zip-lines), but both of which exist. However, I could be swayed if this is an 18, in which case hand me that vibrator, it’s about to get steamy.
Also as an extra little teaser, they announced that they’ll be showing REC3, which is most definitely a good thing because REC was amazing. I haven’t seen REC2 yet but I’ll be sure to rinse it before Frightfest.
So regardless of whether it’s shaping up to be an amazing year or not (can’t tell until they release the full line-up), I’m still extremely excited. So excited in fact, I think that crow that’s been looking at me from outside is in for a deep hiding.