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Piranha 3DD (2012)

Obviously, I haven’t seen the Joe Dante Piranha or the James Cameron Piranha II: The Spawning because I’m not really into face-painting or knee plasters. However, I have seen the Alexandre Aja Piranha 3D, and I absolutely loved it. I saw it at the cinema, and I couldn’t believe I was watching a film like that on the big screen – it was absolutely chock-full of boobies and punce, coupled with an amount of gore I hadn’t seen in a while. I shook hands with my penis after for suggesting we go and see it.

So obviously I was excited for Piranha 3DD, particularly as sequels usually go down the ‘bigger is better’ route. Well, I can tell you that although unfortunately it wasn’t bigger or better, it was still a thumbing good fuck at the shit. I enjoyed it to Lidl and back.

This time around, the action centres around the opening of a new water park – one of those water parks where the lifeguards have been replaced with strippers of course – and the ensuing chaos that a bunch of mega-killer piranhas cause when they enter the park. There’s not much more of a storyline than that, other than a really half-assed romance sub-plot – nothing wrong with half-assed romance (I am an avid practitioner) but it wasn’t really needed here at all. All anyone is really interested in is seeing bare yats getting their snorkels and crotch-warriors out whilst a bunch of giant piranhas wreck havoc around them. (more…)

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Fucking go on then…

I absolutely loved the original Piranha 3D, so much in fact, that I dipped my dick in my friend’s goldfish tank as soon as I’d seen it.  Frigid little bitch didn’t even go near it though. So I pissed in the water and it died.  Let that be a lesson girls.

Almost straight away they revealed they’d be making a sequel and me and my legs had a right old knees up on the leg-press machine.  The fact that it was going to be called Piranha 3DD  only added to the amount of PBs that were shattered that day.  3DD! Get it? As in DOUBLE D. AS IN TITS. Because there will be tits in it!  I want the guy that came up with that to be my friend.

Anyway, they’ve only gone and released a teaser trailer, which for obvious reasons (there are tits and piranhas in it) looks penile-angle-disrupting of the highest order.  Peep dat shit below:

If you haven’t just burnt a seedy hole through your underwear then I’d suggest you hand me your badge and your gun because you certainly will not be playing laser quest with me anymore, you prince.

Also, not sure if I told you (I am sure actually – I definitely didn’t tell you, don’t know why I said that) but Gary Busey is in it. This is what I would refer to as a ‘good’ thing.  He’s mental, I’m a legend – it’s a match made in Primark.  I can’t wait for this.

Plus (in an interview with Empire), he said the following:

“I play a farmer. A cow explodes because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining down on me. You’ll see how I treat one of them.”

Brilliant. Although he could have said literally anything and I’d still be excited.  I’d still see it even if he said:

“There are no piranhas in this film.  It’s just a close up of my face for an hour and a half.  I swear a bit and pull funny faces. Oh by the way, check out www.ionlywatch18s.com – it’s my favourite site. I met the bloke that writes it in Primark – he’s a twat.”

THIS IS GOING TO BE WICKED.

I’ve done an artist’s impression of what to expect (think I’m pretty bang on):

 

 

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