Tag Archives: hmv

An Apology…

So I was in HMV the other day (obviously) and I was looking through the horror section (obviously) and the martial arts section (obviously) and I was batting away insatiable women with my wand (obviously) when I stumbled upon a film called Kill Speed. I have reviewed Kill Speed on this very website.  Because for all intents and purposes, I thought it was an 18.

Imagine my shock when I looked at the bottom of the DVD and found out it was a 15.  I was so distracted, I momentarily lost concentration and allowed a female fan to fellate me.

Needless to say, I was irked.  So to make up for it I bought an 18 (Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen) and I wiped a bogey on a security guard’s back.

I’ve decided to keep the article on the site because it’s top quality humour and otherwise I fucking wasted my time for nothing.  It’d be like going into a gym and not maxing the fuck out of every single machine you look at – a waste of time.

So it’s there if you want to read it.

But if I catch you anywhere NEAR that film, I’ll sodding shaft your tits off so hard, you’ll be eating piss off the back of my dick with the top of your gooch for weeks to come.

 

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I Only Watch 18s Book Club: I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell (with a bonus film review)

This book isn’t actually anything to do with movies, which is strange because I only ever step foot in the permanent squaresville Arizona that is Waterstones unless I’m in the film section, because then if I’m caught I can pretend I was looking for DVDs. A common exchange would be:

*Me browsing the ‘Film and TV’ section*

Shop Assistant: Excuse me Sir, can I help?
Me: Erm, yeah. These DVDs seem to be full of paper instead of discs. What the fuck is this?
Shop Assistant: Oh, I’m afraid they aren’t DVDs, they’re books.
Me: WHAT?? Where the fuck am I?
Shop Assistant: You’re in Waterstones, Sir.
Me: And what, pray tell, the fuck, is Waterstones when it’s at home?
Shop Assistant: It’s a book shop.
Me: [scratching tongue and wretching] Oh dear. Oh fucking dear.
Shop Assistant: Are you ok Sir?
Me: [grabbing at hair and sticking fingers down throat] Bleeuurgh, get ME OUT OF THIS SHITHEAP NOW.
Shop Assistant: I’m very sorry Sir.
Me: Get me TO THE FUCKING DVDS PRONTO SONNY JIM.
Shop Assistant: HMV is over there, sir. You may purchase DVDs in there.
Me: [putting hand in front of shop assistant’s face with one hand and holding nose with the other] You stink.
Shop Assistant: There’s no need for that.
Me: There’s no need for me sticking my foot up your arsehole, but I’m going to sodding well do it.
Shop Assistant: I’m going to have to ask you to leave, Sir.
Me: Don’t you worry about THAT ONE MATE. I’m off.
Shop Assistant: Have a nice day.
Me: I will Billy Big Bollocks, I fucking will.

At this point I will leave Waterstones, still hunched over and wretching, making sure that the shop assistant sees me enter HMV, at which point I will spin around, screw my face up, put two fingers up, shout ‘FUCK YOU, BOOKY FOUR-EYES’ and sprint into HMV to peruse the DVDs. (more…)

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18 related anecdote no. 34

So loads of HMVs are closing down (so are Waterstone’s, but I’m not that bothered about that because they sell the only books worth reading in HMV anyway), needless to say I’m not particularly happy.

I realise I’m a bit late with this story but I’ve been wining and dining this Victoria’s Secret model – we’ve been off to the Bahamas, so I’ve only just got around to writing this.  Also, I was in HMV yesterday and it reminded me.

As I have mentioned with regards to video rental shops closing down, it seems the same is happening to the retail stores.  This means that soon you won’t be able to do this – and if that’s not something worth kicking a car door in then I don’t know what is.

So as a sort of send-off to HMV, I urge you to increase the number and ferocity of your visits before it’s too late.  Yesterday I ran naked (with ‘CHASE ME DICKHEAD’ written on my back) through my local store screaming and spraying tipp-ex all over any 15s I found whilst simultaneously launching water balloons filled with dog turd at any screen showing a trailer for a non-18.

I got chased out by security but I was luckily able to escape by distracting them with a handful of cherry Tangfastics – it’s a well-known security guard weakness.  As is a kick to the groin.

So yeah, you probably won’t have long left to do stuff like this.

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18 related anecdote no. 28

I’ve finally finshed watching The Walking Dead. I very much liked it.  If it’s not an 18 when it comes out on DVD I’m setting fire to my nearest HMV.

However, as much as I enjoyed it, one thing constantly pissed me off throughout the whole series.  Consider this:

Rick Grimes: “Oh man, good job we got away alive.  Those walkers don’t give up”

Shane Walsh: “Yeah dude, I plugged a few of those geeks good an’ proper!”

You see, it’s legit.  Authentic.  It wants to be taken seriously.  Fair enough.  But if it’s realism it’s aiming for, then why ‘geeks’ and ‘walkers’?

YOU’D CALL THEM FUCKING ZOMBIES.

If you saw the undead chasing you and trying to eat you, you would call them ZOMBIES.  THEY ARE ZOMBIES.

Someone somewhere along the line clearly thought that ‘zombies’ would’ve made it all sound a bit silly, but the truth is, that’s the word that anyone and everyone would use in that situation.

Just needed to get that off my chest (along with this broad OI OI OI).

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18 related anecdote no. 23

The Ideal Way To Consume An 18 Rated DVD

So, you’ve been to HMV (hopefully you followed my instructions), or you’ve ordered online, and now you have yourself a shiny new 18 DVD.  So what’s the best way to consume it?  Well, I thought I’d give you some ideas by telling you how I usually consume my 18s.  To make it easier, I will post how to tackle each genre – today’s is horror: (more…)

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18 related anecdote no. 20

An 18 Connoisseur’s Guide To Navigating HMV

You’ll have probably been in HMV before, in fact, if you haven’t, then you shouldn’t really be reading this site.

If you have, you probably follow a set path through the shop – most people do.  However, if you want my respect, that path has got to change.  Being an 18 aficionado changes many things, and one of them is how you tackle a trip to HMV.  Because I’m a helpful kind of fellow, I feel it my duty to impart my tried and tested technique for navigating HMV unto you, the reader.  Read below to see the light.  (This technique is designed for a male – as I am one – so alter accordingly if you are female.) (more…)

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