Tag Archives: hmv
So I was in HMV the other day (obviously) and I was looking through the horror section (obviously) and the martial arts section (obviously) and I was batting away insatiable women with my wand (obviously) when I stumbled upon a film called Kill Speed. I have reviewed Kill Speed on this very website. Because for all intents and purposes, I thought it was an 18.
Imagine my shock when I looked at the bottom of the DVD and found out it was a 15. I was so distracted, I momentarily lost concentration and allowed a female fan to fellate me.
Needless to say, I was irked. So to make up for it I bought an 18 (Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen) and I wiped a bogey on a security guard’s back.
I’ve decided to keep the article on the site because it’s top quality humour and otherwise I fucking wasted my time for nothing. It’d be like going into a gym and not maxing the fuck out of every single machine you look at – a waste of time.
So it’s there if you want to read it.
But if I catch you anywhere NEAR that film, I’ll sodding shaft your tits off so hard, you’ll be eating piss off the back of my dick with the top of your gooch for weeks to come.
This book isn’t actually anything to do with movies, which is strange because I only ever step foot in the permanent squaresville Arizona that is Waterstones unless I’m in the film section, because then if I’m caught I can pretend I was looking for DVDs. A common exchange would be:
*Me browsing the ‘Film and TV’ section*
Shop Assistant: Excuse me Sir, can I help?
Me: Erm, yeah. These DVDs seem to be full of paper instead of discs. What the fuck is this?
Shop Assistant: Oh, I’m afraid they aren’t DVDs, they’re books.
Me: WHAT?? Where the fuck am I?
Shop Assistant: You’re in Waterstones, Sir.
Me: And what, pray tell, the fuck, is Waterstones when it’s at home?
Shop Assistant: It’s a book shop.
Me: [scratching tongue and wretching] Oh dear. Oh fucking dear.
Shop Assistant: Are you ok Sir?
Me: [grabbing at hair and sticking fingers down throat] Bleeuurgh, get ME OUT OF THIS SHITHEAP NOW.
Shop Assistant: I’m very sorry Sir.
Me: Get me TO THE FUCKING DVDS PRONTO SONNY JIM.
Shop Assistant: HMV is over there, sir. You may purchase DVDs in there.
Me: [putting hand in front of shop assistant’s face with one hand and holding nose with the other] You stink.
Shop Assistant: There’s no need for that.
Me: There’s no need for me sticking my foot up your arsehole, but I’m going to sodding well do it.
Shop Assistant: I’m going to have to ask you to leave, Sir.
Me: Don’t you worry about THAT ONE MATE. I’m off.
Shop Assistant: Have a nice day.
Me: I will Billy Big Bollocks, I fucking will.
At this point I will leave Waterstones, still hunched over and wretching, making sure that the shop assistant sees me enter HMV, at which point I will spin around, screw my face up, put two fingers up, shout ‘FUCK YOU, BOOKY FOUR-EYES’ and sprint into HMV to peruse the DVDs. (more…)