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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014

IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.

Anyway, here we go:

FAVOURITE FILM

The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.

The-Raid-2-Hammer-Girl-Baseball-Bat-Man

SHITTEST 18

Nymphomaniac

Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.

nymphomaniac

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The Raid 2 (2014)

The-Raid-2-Australian-poster_JPG.jpgThe Raid is one of my favourite films in the fucking world, EVER. It’s better than any film you’ve ever made, buster, isn’t it? Your movies are shit. The Raid is not. It’s a stripped-down, straight-to-the-point action /martial arts flick and it blows my nipples through the sodding roof every time I watch it. So needless to say, I was excited about The Raid 2 – the trailer attacked my bum and threw it into the stratosphere, and a hench clip I saw at Frightfest peeled back my foreskin and pinged it back with such force that a window smashed. I was LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, essentially.

And now I’ve seen it. So was it worth the wait?

OF COURSE IT WAS YOU ABSOLUTE PILLOCK.

The Raid 2 was utterly amazing. I don’t know what Gareth Evans is drinking, but I want some of it (Special Brew just isn’t doing it for me at the moment) – he’s a genius. This movie takes the small-scale approach of the first one and spreads it wider than that rude thing I did at the weekend, it’s – although I hate the word – epic. It’s a sprawling, complex crime thriller that just happens to be interspersed with the best fucking fight scenes you’re ever likely to see (until the Raid 3: Your Dick Will Fall Off, presumably).

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The Raid (2011)

Ever since I saw the trailer for this back in October time, my erection has become a permanent fixture in my life, bringing rise to a number of embarrassing and awkward situations which I won’t trouble you with here. Well, it’s finally gone down now because I’ve finally seen The Raid.

Leaping fucking lizards was it good. Suffering fucking succotash I loved it.  I mean this was easily one of the best films I’ve seen in ages. For sodding ages. Seriously for sodding bloody ages. Seriously for sodding bloody fucking ages. Couldn’t believe how good it was. Let me tell you why.

***

The Raid is basically about this huge high-rise tower block full of naughty drugs dealers and when a load of armed police enter it there’s a big fight.

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