Tag Archives: jean-claude van damme

Another from the FRONT Magazine archives

HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.

Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.

actionheroes

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Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.

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Ok well this looks fucking wicked

 

As I’ve told you before, I sodding well like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and Scott Adkins. What I might not have told you is my three biggest wishes:

1) For the endless stream of women knocking on my front door to cease FOR ONCE, I need some shut eye guys, just leave me alone.

2) For my penis to be able to produce Cadbury’s creme eggs without causing pain and/or irreparable damage to my glans.

3) For Van Damme, Lundgren and Adkins to star in a film together.

Well, number one hasn’t happened yet, and neither has number two (got high hopes for it though) but guess what? Number three has fucking happened! (more…)

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If The Expendables 2 is not an 18 I’ll shit my pants

So even though the first Expendables was a bit of a let-down, I’m still unbelievably excited about the sequel even though I told myself not to, because every time I do this it ends in tears.  And pizza.  Loads of pizza – which plays havoc with my washboard stomach.  Not good.

Anyway, I DON’T BLOODY CARE because Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and SCOTT SODDING ATKINS are in this one.  Three of my favourite actors in the same film.  Along with all those other bloody legends too – how can this be shit?

Well it can’t and it won’t – mainly because this time it’s not directed by Stallone, which was one of my main gripes with the last one.  This one’s directed by Simon West, the guy behind the shafting awesome Con Air, so it has no choice but to be amazing (we’ll ignore some of the shit 15s that he’s directed – must have been ill or something).

ComingSoon have some disconcerting pictures on their website though.  They seem to have somehow entered my mind while I was asleep and photographed the exact dream I had last night – here, take a look:

Not sure how they managed that, but I’m gonna drop them an email to see if they’ve got the ones from that wet dream I had about the bungee cord, the oil, the donkey with my head and the whole cast of Hollyoaks – that was fucking wicked mate.

Either way, this film WILL be amazing.  I’ve already put all my boxers and trousers into the paper shredder at work because I certainly won’t be needing to wear anything on my bottom half until it comes out that’s for sure.

My dick is going to be OUT AND AFUCKINGBOUT.

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Death Warrant (1990)

If you’re a regular reader of this site (i.e a legend) then you’ll know that I bloody love Jean-Claude Van Damme.  If you’re not (i.e a cunt), then you can fuck off.

Basically, for some reason I had not seen Death Warrant – this rocked me to my very core.  My life was completely lacking.  Nothing was complete.  Meaningless sex with perfect 10s and legendary frozen vodka eating championships were the only distractions.  It was always there, at the back of my head, popping in and out intermittently to wind me the fuck up.

But all that is over now – I have seen Death Warrant.

I bought it on one of my hungover Play.com shopping sprees.  I do this quite often, and it’s the same every time – I’ll be checking my emails one day when I’ll see an email saying “Your Play.com order has been posted” to which I’ll always respond, “When the fuck was I on Play.com and what the fuck did I order?”  It’s fun though, because I don’t open the emails, I just wait until the DVDs come through the door – it’s always a nice surprise.  So when Death Warrant came through the door I was ecstatic.  My willy span around so fast that I flew through the ceiling and landed in the back garden.  Impaled a poor squirrel right through its arse too.

Serves it right for parading that sweet, furry tushy about the place like it’s some sort of supermodel.

Anyway, this is a review, so let’s get down to business:

Death Warrant is about this bloke called Jean-Claude Van Damme (I think) who goes undercover at this prison because some nutcase is stabbing inmates in the back of the head with an ice-pick.  Basically, he’s gotta pose as a prisoner and investigate all the dodgy goings on without getting found out or fucking killed by this absolute psycho who turns up from Van Damme’s past. (more…)

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People I like no. 7: Jean-Claude Van Damme

This is going to be a long post because Van Damme (aka ‘The Muscles From Brussels’ (aka ‘The Bum From Belgium’ (aka ‘The I’m consistently in films that are amazing according to the guy that writes I Only Watch 18s’))) is so dedicated to the 18-rated cause that he’s hardly ever in anything that isn’t an 18.  That means he’s been in LOADS of 18s.  Therefore, in this worthy and insightful column I will discuss, analyse and explore the most important 18s of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

(more…)

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