Tag Archives: jet li

Erm, what’s this funny white stuff coming out of my penis?

 

I AGREE with this poster in every aspect.  Ok, not every aspect because for some reason Jet Li is not in it, but then again I don’t think I’ve ever had such a ferocious punch-through-the-wall reaction to a picture of Van Damme in my life so it almost makes up for it.

Just think of all the explosions there will be in this film.

THIS FILM IS GOING TO EMPTY MY BOLLOCKS WITH THE SPEED AND HORSEPOWER OF A GENETICALLY MODIFIED GIANT HORSE WHO HAS JUST HAD HIS BOLLOCKS EMPTIED BY LOOKING AT THE EXPENDABLES 2 POSTER.

 

Get rid of that bitch on the next one though.
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The Expendables (2010)

So The Expendables is now out on DVD.  And guess what?

It’s only a bloody fucking 18.

When it was in cinemas for some reason it was a 15 and I wasn’t able to watch it, but now it’s on DVD and they’ve released an uncut version, so I can.  So was it worth the wait?  I mean, when I first heard about the cast, I pulled down all of my Arnold Schwarzenegger posters, put them through a shredder, boiled them and ate them like spaghetti – I was that excited.  I also did a big shit.

Well unfortunately, it wasn’t worth the wait.  Bit of a nightmare really.  While it had its moments (specifically the bits that got cut to make it a 15), overall it just wasn’t up to scratch – and it’s too late to regurgitate all the Arnold spaghetti now.  I must look like a right lemon. (more…)

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The Tournament (2009)

Got this one for Christmas.

IT WAS A GOOD CHRISTMAS PRESENT I’LL TELL YOU THAT FOR FREE.

The Tournament is about a competition that happens every seven years in a random town (in this case, Middlesbrough – England’s most happening town) where the world’s best assassins meet and have to kill each other.  The last one standing gets loads of money.  The others get dead.  So far, so Holy fuck this film sounds amazing – but there’s more.  Robert Carlyle plays an alcoholic priest (the best kind) who accidentally swallows one of the assassins’ GPS trackers and so everyone thinks he’s part of the game.  Basically, his day just got pretty rubbish.

Sounds good right?

RIGHT.  But there’s more.

It gets even better – listen to the cast: Ving Rhames (18s like Con Air (seen), Dawn of the Dead (seen), Day of the Dead (seen), Piranha 3D (seen)), Robert Carlyle (18s like Ravenous (seen), The 51st State (seen), 28 Weeks Later (seen)), Kelly Hu (18s like Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (seen)), Liam Cunningham (18s like Blood: The Last Vampire (seen)), Sebastien Foucan (no previous 18s but the guy who pretty much invented free running), AND SCOTT ADKINS (read why I like him here).

Mint isn’t it? (more…)

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