Tag Archives: john carpenter
I like wearing sunglasses because they make me look all cool and wicked and hard and that. I also like wearing them because you can look at girls’ bums without them knowing what you’re doing. Unless of course you start to look at their bum whilst they’re talking to you – in that case, it becomes pretty clear as to what you’re doing, because you actively have to walk behind them. Things get complicated whenever I’m wearing sunglasses, is what I’m trying to say, ok?
But not as complicated as they get for professional wrestler-turned bubblegum-enthusiast, Roddy Piper in They Live. Why? You ask. Well, because when he puts on his cool pair of sunglasses, he realises that the entire world is being run by aliens and that everything the public sees and hears is sinister subliminal messaging designed to brainwash their minds. Also, he suddenly realises that he doesn’t look as decent as me.
That’s because they’re MAGIC sunglasses, or something. Either way, when you put them on, you can see through the aliens’ human disguises – basically they look like your Mum. Well ugly and gross and I bet they stink, too. Ok, you can’t actually smell what’s going on on screen so I can’t vouch for their stink, but if they smell as much as your Mum as they look like her, then they’ll absolutely grim. Your Mum grims.
Next up on People I Like is our man John Carpenter, one of the greatest horror directors ever in my opinion. And as we all know, ‘my opinion’ is another word for ‘fucking fact’ isn’t it? So let’s go:
Assault on Precinct 13 – So obviously I saw this when it was an 18. It was brilliant. Now it is a 15. It is shit.
Halloween – One of the absolute best slashers ever made (read my original review here), Halloween has been a favourite of mine for years. It also gave me the idea for one of my favourite hobbies – painting my face white and standing by 7 ft bushes until someone sees me out of the corner of their eye, then hiding behind it when they take a proper look. Really puts the shits up people. Especially babysitters.
It was Halloween the other day, and I was too busy trick-or-treating to write any reviews, so sorry. Although it also seems everyone else was too busy to give me any fucking sweets. I suppose it didn’t help that my costume was mangina-era Buffalo Bill, but whatever. Anyway, as it was Halloween, I thought I’d take a look over one of my favourite horror films and swear about it a bit.
I’ve seen all the Halloweens that are 18s, and even if there’s not even as many wicked killings in the first one as the rest, I still like it the best. That’s what I think, and in the confines of the padded cell that I call my bathroom, that’s all that fucking matters, buddy.
I first saw it when I was quite young, and it scared at least three pellets of shit from my quivering anus – it’s properly frightening and as an early example of the slasher movie, it’s pretty hard to beat. Of course, it doesn’t bother me anymore because if ever I’m watching it and I start to feel a bit scared, I just pause the DVD, stand in front of the mirror and tense my biceps whilst screaming expletives – no fucker with a poncy white mask is gonna mess with these whips.
Writing about my favourite horror remake (The Blob) the other day, reminded me of my second favourite horror remake of all time – The Thing. The other ‘The (single syllable word)’ horror remake that I like is The Fly. But back to The Thing.
The Thing is a remake of the 1951 12 (pfffft) The Thing From Another World and it concerns a group of blokes at a remote Antarctic outpost getting attacked by a shapeshifting alien. Hate it when that happens.
Everything is going fine on this outpost until the dog’s head splits open and a giant man-eating flower bursts through its chest and starts eating the other dogs;