Tag Archives: machete

The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post

So it’s the Oscars soon and to be honest I COULDN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK but some people that like films seem to care about them, so just for them I’m going to give my opinion on the nominations.  And as we all know, my opinion is the only one that counts.

Insert childish dildo joke here

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People I Like no. 5: Steven Seagal

If you’ve read this site before, you’ll probably be able to gather that I’m a bit of a fan of Steven Seagal.  Well ‘bit’ is a sodding understatement – I can’t get enough of him and his films.  Well, actually, that’s a lie – his new films are shit.  But we’ll get to that later.  Firstly, let’s get down to business:
Above the Law (Nico) – Seagal’s first film, and he’s already the central character, mainly because one of his aikido pupils (the Hollywood agent Michael Ovitz) decided that Seagal deserved to be in movies.

THANK YOU MICHAEL OVITZ – I AM FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT.

Above the Law concerns a tough (obviously) vice cop getting mixed up with Henry Silva’s corrupt CIA agent.  Can’t really be bothered to go into much more detail, but Steven Seagal beats up a great many people in this film and therefore it is good. (more…)

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DVD Design for Machete

In my Machete review here, I mentioned my designs for the DVD sleeve.  Well, I’ve decided to go ahead and make it.  So for the UK distributors of Machete that are definitely reading this blog, the final designs are below: (more…)

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Classic 18: Fire Down Below (1997)

After watching Machete and realising that Steven Seagal on the big screen was one of the defining moments of my life, I thought I’d revisit my favourite Seagal film – Fire Down Below.

Now this is possibly a controversial choice (well, only controversial to idiots like me that spend ages talking about which Steven Seagal film is the best), because most people would go with Above the Law (18, seen), or Out For Justice (18, seen) – but those people are wrong.  Well, ok, they might be right, but I like Fire Down Below the best, ok?

Why do I think it’s the best Seagal film?  Here are ten reasons: (more…)

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Machete (2010)

I’ve finally seen Machete – the film I’ve been wanting to see most this year.  When I first heard about it, I ripped a hole in my trousers, painted my dick green and ran through town making penis prints on the windows of any shops beginning with ‘M’ – that’s how excited I was.  And now I’ve seen it, but was it worth spending a night in prison?

YEAH BUDDY!

Machete was amazing from start to finish, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face the entire way through.  As soon as it starts, Machete goes and decapitates three blokes at once – it was at this point I knew that I would like this film.  From there on in, it’s pretty much non-stop absurdity, as Machete beats people up, shoots people, uses their guts as rope, shags women, beats people up, shoots people, uses guts as rope, shags women, punches people, hits people with garden trimmers, uses guts as rope, shoots people, shags women, USES GUTS AS ROPE, kicks people, and uses some guts as a bit of rope. (more…)

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