Tag Archives: oscars
You’ve been waiting with (master)baited breath for a whole year, but the time has finally come once more! Yes, correct, it’s my round-up of all the cock-swipe and shit-drop that’s gonna be up for fucking Oscars this year! I HATE THE OSCARS and you should too – they mean nothing and if you like them then I’ll wedgie you so hard that I’ll cleave you in two. Anyway, I suppose I had better get down to business – I hope you’re covered in asbestos BECAUSE THERE’S GONNA BE A HELL OF A LOT OF BURNS COMING YOUR WAY! ZINGZAMMAZOOM!
American Hustle – Oh, I thought giving an Oscar to a film because it had good wigs in it was meant for the make-up category, not the main fucking feature? They’re not even good ones – they look like shit:
“And the Oscar for shittest hair goes to American Hustle!”
“Thank you so much! I’d like to thank chlorine, hair-straighteners and Trichotillomania for helping us towards our goal! We did it!”
Captain Phillips – Yet another fucking sequel to that Pirates Of The Caribbean nonsense – Christ, I’ve had enough of this shit. Movies based on theme park rides? This shit passes for actual ideas in Hollywood? If you’re gonna make a movie out of a ride, at least go with something stimulating like Sybian: The Movie or some shit. Sheesh.
Dallas Buyers Club – Movie spin-offs are rarely good (props to The Inbetweeners Movie though – the 18-rated Blu-Ray version only, obviously), so doing a film adaptation of some fucking 80s sitcom about wide-brimmed hats is a fucking stupid idea. Remember 21 Bum Street or whatever it was called? That was a crock of the utmost toss wasn’t it? Who shot JR? Who cares? Who farted?
Gravity – I’m not entirely sure what this film is about but if they’ve made a feature-length film about some cunt getting hit on the head with an apple then I’ll go apeshit.
Her – This is the one about the bloke that fucks his iPad right? Yeah good idea, but if you’re not actually gonna show any human/tablet penetration then what’s the fucking point? It’d be as pointless as buying an iPad and not fucking it.
Nebraska – I just went on Wikipedia to try and find out what this was about but as I was waiting for my page to load (the dial-up in these woods is shit) I caught sight of a rogue Peperami looking at me from the shower so I went and ate that instead. I sucked the shit out of the inner wrapper too – some say that’s the best bit. I say. I SAY IT.
Philomena – You don’t wait years for an Alan Partridge movie and then two come at fucking once. I’ve not seen the TV show so good luck persuading me to watch a film version – let alone TWO. You’d have better luck trying to get me to eat a vegetarian meal. Hint: your chances of succeeding greatly rely on whether cheese is involved or not.
12 Years a Slave – I don’t like depressing 18s, so FUCK depressing 15s.
“Oh, do you want to pay £10 for an ‘experience?'”
“Well what does this ‘experience’ entail?”
“Well, you pay the money, someone makes you cry and then you leave.”
“Naa, YOU’RE ALRIGHT MATE.”
The Wolf of Wall Street – YES THIS SHOULD WIN THE OSCAR FOR BEST THING.
So I was having a shit the other day and I got wind (I GOT WIND) of news that the Oscar nominations had been announced and to cut a long story short, this did not disrupt my shit in any way shape or form and I carried on as normal and afterwards went about my day as if nothing noteworthy had happened.
THIS IS BECAUSE I AM NOT FUCKING BOTHERED ABOUT THE SODDING OSCAR NOMINATIONS.
However, I run a movie website so as it’s been in the past, it’s up to me to keep abreast (KEEP A BREAST) of everything that’s happening in the movie world. So I guess I’ll have to go ahead and fucking list the nominations and tell them all to fuck off and die etc.
Hip hip horaaaaayy!! It’s The Oscars soon!! Whooooo! Can’t wait!!
The Oscars are always shit and the films they pick are always shit but I strive to be at the forefront of movie journalism in almost every possible way so I feel it my duty to run my expert (peen)eye over the nominations and fucking swear about them a bit (a lot).
So it’s the Oscars soon and to be honest I COULDN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK but some people that like films seem to care about them, so just for them I’m going to give my opinion on the nominations. And as we all know, my opinion is the only one that counts.