Tag Archives: paz de la huerta

I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014

IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.

Anyway, here we go:

FAVOURITE FILM

The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.

The-Raid-2-Hammer-Girl-Baseball-Bat-Man

SHITTEST 18

Nymphomaniac

Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.

nymphomaniac

(more…)

Posted in 18s, Action, Horror, Reviews, Thriller | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Enter the Void (2010)

So obviously I saw this ages ago because my finger’s so on the pulse that I’ve completely stopped blood flow and if I’m not careful then my arm’s going to fall off.  However, I just noticed an article on www.melonfarmers.co.uk (one of my favourite websites – it basically lets you know what the BBFC are up to) that mentions that Enter the Void has been passed 18 uncut.  This is of course a good thing.

Uncut is good.

18 is also good.

So everything’s in order – onto the review.

Enter the Void is about a drug-dealer who takes loads of drugs (mixing business with pleasure – bad move) and then gets shot and dies (see?).  Then for the rest of the film, his soul/ghost floats about the city watching his sister have sex and things (he’s a bit strange).  It’s what some people (not me) might call a ‘mind-fuck’ – I’d be more inclined to call it a ‘brain-rut’.  Or a ‘imagine if your head was a vagina and the movie was a penis and the movie was going in and out of your head until white stuff came out of the movie’. (more…)

Posted in 18s, Reviews | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment