Tag Archives: peter weller

Leviathan (1989)

So the remake of The Thing is out in cinemas at the mo and I’ll tell you now, there’s no fucking way I’m letting my ten metre long schlong anywhere near that piece of shit. This causes problems because there are some nice bars near the cinema but I guess I’m going to have to venture elsewhere to uphold my required weekly slot quota.

Anyway, seeing the posters reminded me how much I liked the original and I sat down on my sofa naked and thought “I’d quite like to watch a horror film in which tentacles come out of someone’s arse, or at least something along these lines. Wow – I forgot how big my dick was.”

So I decided to watch Leviathan. It’s basically a bit of a rip-off of The Thing except it’s underwater – easily enough of a difference for me.  It’s got Peter Weller (Robocop, 18, seen) in it too, and if a film’s an 18 and it’s got Peter Weller in it, then I’m signing on the dotted vagina no matter what it’s about.  I was slightly disappointed to find that he didn’t play a robot in this, but whatever, the film made up for it in other ways.

NAMELY A ‘CRYING IN THE SHOWER’ SCENE.

Good stuff guys. I love those. (more…)

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Classic 18: Robocop

The two most famous robots/cyborgs in the world are the Terminator and Robocop.  At least in my world they are.  However, as The Terminator is now a 15 I have erased all memory of it and that hunk of shit can suck my dick and fuck off back to Terminatortron or wherever the fuck he lives.

That leaves Robocop.  Luckily he’s still an absolute legend.  And the film he’s in is absolutely legendary.  He’s so legendary he thought:

Robocop: “Oi mate, you know this film you’ve written about my life? The one called Policeman who gets shot loads and then gets brought back to life as a robot but still a policeman and has a gun in his leg which comes out whenever he wants?  Yeah, well I’m the star yeah?  So let’s just name it after me yeah?”

Screenwriter: “But I quite like that title – it does what it says on the tin.”

Robocop: “Dead or Alive, you’re coming with me.”

Screenwriter: “Wait, what?”

Robocop: [shoots screenwriter in groin] “Your move, creep.”

Screenwriter: “Jeez, we’ll call it Robocop!”

Robocop: “Thank you for your cooperation.”

Screenwriter: “You’re an actual twat Robocop.”

Robocop: “Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening.” (more…)

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