Tag Archives: piranha 3dd

This made me laugh

I told you what I thought of your new wife Piranha 3DD the other day, and because I liked it, I’m keeping up to date on the latest developments in its world at the moment. I stumbled upon this today and it made me laugh:

I hope it made you laugh. If not, then we may have a problem on our hands, because it might be that I’ve just posted something on this site that wasn’t funny. I’m going to have to remedy the situation aren’t I? I’m going to have to make you laugh. Fuck. Too much pressure. Erm.

Oh, I know. Me and a friend were talking about a girl the other day and he said “I bet she’s a virgin” and I said “Yeah, she probably still says “Hi” to men.”

I thought that was funny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT’S A HYMEN JOKE IF YOU DIDN’T GET IT.

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Piranha 3DD (2012)

Obviously, I haven’t seen the Joe Dante Piranha or the James Cameron Piranha II: The Spawning because I’m not really into face-painting or knee plasters. However, I have seen the Alexandre Aja Piranha 3D, and I absolutely loved it. I saw it at the cinema, and I couldn’t believe I was watching a film like that on the big screen – it was absolutely chock-full of boobies and punce, coupled with an amount of gore I hadn’t seen in a while. I shook hands with my penis after for suggesting we go and see it.

So obviously I was excited for Piranha 3DD, particularly as sequels usually go down the ‘bigger is better’ route. Well, I can tell you that although unfortunately it wasn’t bigger or better, it was still a thumbing good fuck at the shit. I enjoyed it to Lidl and back.

This time around, the action centres around the opening of a new water park – one of those water parks where the lifeguards have been replaced with strippers of course – and the ensuing chaos that a bunch of mega-killer piranhas cause when they enter the park. There’s not much more of a storyline than that, other than a really half-assed romance sub-plot – nothing wrong with half-assed romance (I am an avid practitioner) but it wasn’t really needed here at all. All anyone is really interested in is seeing bare yats getting their snorkels and crotch-warriors out whilst a bunch of giant piranhas wreck havoc around them. (more…)

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Well I’m a right old fucking happy bastard

I’ve spoken about Piranha 3DD before on this site, and I made no boners about how excited I was about letting it penetrate my eyes and fuck my brain in. Well, not soon after I’d wound my willy around 100 times, lay down on my bed, let it go and assumed I would fly into the air like a human peniscopter (I didn’t), I found out that it was going straight to DVD.

I was irked somewhat. And in my insane world of vaginas and tits and minges and vaginas, ‘somewhat irked’ actually meant ‘running outside my house naked with a spear stabbing my front lawn and pissing up a tree.’

But the neighbours needn’t have called the police had they the benefit of hindsight, for it’s coming out in the sodding cinemas now! I made up for it by posting a foil-wrapped package containing a mixture of rabbit droppings and mini Pepperamis through all their doors. They called the police again though. Ungrateful frigids.

Anyway, it’s coming out in cinemas and it’s going to be in 3D and everything. It’s on the Vue and Showcase Cinemas websites and if that’s not a good enough indicator then slap my botty and call me a sucker. If the sequel is even three quarters as good as the first one I’ll be like a cat in pig shit (think that’s the phrase) because the first one socked me hard in the bollocks with the force of one of my guffs.

Here’s the latest trailer:

 

 

I’M PROPERLY EXCITED. JUST LOOK AT THIS PENIS.

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Fucking go on then…

I absolutely loved the original Piranha 3D, so much in fact, that I dipped my dick in my friend’s goldfish tank as soon as I’d seen it.  Frigid little bitch didn’t even go near it though. So I pissed in the water and it died.  Let that be a lesson girls.

Almost straight away they revealed they’d be making a sequel and me and my legs had a right old knees up on the leg-press machine.  The fact that it was going to be called Piranha 3DD  only added to the amount of PBs that were shattered that day.  3DD! Get it? As in DOUBLE D. AS IN TITS. Because there will be tits in it!  I want the guy that came up with that to be my friend.

Anyway, they’ve only gone and released a teaser trailer, which for obvious reasons (there are tits and piranhas in it) looks penile-angle-disrupting of the highest order.  Peep dat shit below:

If you haven’t just burnt a seedy hole through your underwear then I’d suggest you hand me your badge and your gun because you certainly will not be playing laser quest with me anymore, you prince.

Also, not sure if I told you (I am sure actually – I definitely didn’t tell you, don’t know why I said that) but Gary Busey is in it. This is what I would refer to as a ‘good’ thing.  He’s mental, I’m a legend – it’s a match made in Primark.  I can’t wait for this.

Plus (in an interview with Empire), he said the following:

“I play a farmer. A cow explodes because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining down on me. You’ll see how I treat one of them.”

Brilliant. Although he could have said literally anything and I’d still be excited.  I’d still see it even if he said:

“There are no piranhas in this film.  It’s just a close up of my face for an hour and a half.  I swear a bit and pull funny faces. Oh by the way, check out www.ionlywatch18s.com – it’s my favourite site. I met the bloke that writes it in Primark – he’s a twat.”

THIS IS GOING TO BE WICKED.

I’ve done an artist’s impression of what to expect (think I’m pretty bang on):

 

 

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