Tag Archives: scott adkins

Another from the FRONT Magazine archives

HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.

Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.




Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.

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I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”


Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.



Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14


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Ok well this looks fucking wicked


As I’ve told you before, I sodding well like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and Scott Adkins. What I might not have told you is my three biggest wishes:

1) For the endless stream of women knocking on my front door to cease FOR ONCE, I need some shut eye guys, just leave me alone.

2) For my penis to be able to produce Cadbury’s creme eggs without causing pain and/or irreparable damage to my glans.

3) For Van Damme, Lundgren and Adkins to star in a film together.

Well, number one hasn’t happened yet, and neither has number two (got high hopes for it though) but guess what? Number three has fucking happened! (more…)

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If The Expendables 2 is not an 18 I’ll shit my pants

So even though the first Expendables was a bit of a let-down, I’m still unbelievably excited about the sequel even though I told myself not to, because every time I do this it ends in tears.  And pizza.  Loads of pizza – which plays havoc with my washboard stomach.  Not good.

Anyway, I DON’T BLOODY CARE because Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and SCOTT SODDING ATKINS are in this one.  Three of my favourite actors in the same film.  Along with all those other bloody legends too – how can this be shit?

Well it can’t and it won’t – mainly because this time it’s not directed by Stallone, which was one of my main gripes with the last one.  This one’s directed by Simon West, the guy behind the shafting awesome Con Air, so it has no choice but to be amazing (we’ll ignore some of the shit 15s that he’s directed – must have been ill or something).

ComingSoon have some disconcerting pictures on their website though.  They seem to have somehow entered my mind while I was asleep and photographed the exact dream I had last night – here, take a look:

Not sure how they managed that, but I’m gonna drop them an email to see if they’ve got the ones from that wet dream I had about the bungee cord, the oil, the donkey with my head and the whole cast of Hollyoaks – that was fucking wicked mate.

Either way, this film WILL be amazing.  I’ve already put all my boxers and trousers into the paper shredder at work because I certainly won’t be needing to wear anything on my bottom half until it comes out that’s for sure.

My dick is going to be OUT AND AFUCKINGBOUT.

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The Tournament (2009)

Got this one for Christmas.


The Tournament is about a competition that happens every seven years in a random town (in this case, Middlesbrough – England’s most happening town) where the world’s best assassins meet and have to kill each other.  The last one standing gets loads of money.  The others get dead.  So far, so Holy fuck this film sounds amazing – but there’s more.  Robert Carlyle plays an alcoholic priest (the best kind) who accidentally swallows one of the assassins’ GPS trackers and so everyone thinks he’s part of the game.  Basically, his day just got pretty rubbish.

Sounds good right?

RIGHT.  But there’s more.

It gets even better – listen to the cast: Ving Rhames (18s like Con Air (seen), Dawn of the Dead (seen), Day of the Dead (seen), Piranha 3D (seen)), Robert Carlyle (18s like Ravenous (seen), The 51st State (seen), 28 Weeks Later (seen)), Kelly Hu (18s like Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (seen)), Liam Cunningham (18s like Blood: The Last Vampire (seen)), Sebastien Foucan (no previous 18s but the guy who pretty much invented free running), AND SCOTT ADKINS (read why I like him here).

Mint isn’t it? (more…)

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People I Like no. 1: Scott Adkins

It’s time for a new feature here at I Only Watch 18s – People I Like.  Basically, I’ll pick someone that I like – actor, director, producer etc – and talk about how much I like them and the 18s that they’ve been in.  There’ll be some recognisable faces along the way, but hopefully, I’ll be able to introduce some of you to people that you’ll end up stalking and/or having sex with.
This week, the person that I like is Scott Adkins.  He’s a 34 year old legend from Sutton Coldfield, who is amazing at martial arts.  And when I say amazing, I mean AMAZING.  (more…)

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