Tag Archives: scream 4

NOT A HAPPY BUNNY

So I was on the train today, listening to really loud hip-hop with loads of swearing in it and jutting my head forwards at anyone who looked at me disapprovingly, when I noticed a Scream 4 (or Scre4m, as they’re calling it) poster outside:

 


Cool poster huh?  Well I think so, and so I was doubly excited to find out that it was out this month.  I felt a warm glow envelope my loinage, and I said in my head, “DEATH ROW IS STILL THE LABEL THAT PAYS ME I can’t wait to see Scream 4 I’M UNFAZEABLE SO PLEASE DON’T TRY TO FAZE ME.”

(more…)

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My Soul To Take (2010)

Recently I waxed shitical about how shit Shocker was, and I probably said something about how much I liked Wes Craven and that he’d let me down and if he did it again I’d set fire to a dog turd and shove it through his letterbox or something.  Well, with My Soul To Take, he had a chance to get back in my good books (and I’ll tell you, they’re something you want to be in) – but did he manage it?

HE FUCKING WELL DIDN’T DID HE?

HE DIDN’T DID HE EH?

OI YOU, HE SHAFTING WELL DID NOT DID HE?

MATE?  YEAH YOU!  HE SODDING DIDN’T.

COCKING WELL SHUNTING DIDN’T.

DICK-SUCKING WELL FINGERING DIDN’T.

FISTING WELL RIMMING DIDN’T.

SPRAY ON YOUR TITS WELL DOGGYSTYLE DIDN’T.

STRAP-ON UP THE BUM UNLUCKY WELL TIT-WANKING DIDN’T.

DONE A POO IN YOUR PANTS ON THE TRAIN OH SHIT I HOPE NOBODY NOTICES WELL ACTUALLY EVERYONE’S LOOKING AT ME AND IT’S OBVIOUS BECAUSE I’VE PISSED MYSELF DIDN’T.

You get the idea. (more…)

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Shocker (1989)

Shocker is written and directed by Wes Craven (the guy behind countless awesome 18s like A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream and The Hills Have Eyes), therefore it should be good.  However, whereas it started off rather fantastically – I even said out loud ‘I love this kind of movie’ – it actually ended up being a bit of a

***NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH***

*We interrupt this review to bring you an urgent news story.  It has been brought to our attention that a gigantically shit pun is headed to this area.  It can be expected imminently and those averse to crap wordplay must stay away from any computer in their immediate vicinity – you have been warned*

***END OF NEWSFLASH***

shocker.

It’s about a mental serial killer called Horace Pinker who’s targeting families at random and killing them all.  Quite early on, an annoying football jock has a dream about watching Final Destination about the killer murdering his family.  IT COMES TRUE.  Then somehow, the kid works out how to have these premonition dreams and leads the police to Pinker’s next murder before it even happens.  So the cops capture him and sentence him to the electric chair. (more…)

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A list of films coming in 2011 that better be 18s otherwise I’m gonna kick off.

So happy new year everyone!  Hope you’ve all got some new year’s resolutions – I have.  Fucking already broke it though – got really pissed on New Year’s Eve.  Although I suppose I broke it before the new year actually started, so I guess it doesn’t really count.  Anyway, alongside not getting pissed, not having sex with supermodels anymore (trust me, it gets really boring) and not leading on every woman that meets me and instantly falls in love with me, my main new year’s resolution is to watch EVEN MORE 18s.

Luckily, there are loads of films coming out in 2011 that sound cushty, so I’m gonna do a quick whip-through of the films I’m looking forward to and what I will do if they aren’t 18s.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – I loved the transformers toys when I was a kid, but because the films have been 12s, I haven’t yet had the chance to see them – so fingers crossed for third time lucky.
What I will do if it is not an 18 – Go into the attic, get all my transformers toys, put them in a blender with some protein powder and drink it after maxing out the fucking bench press machine. (more…)

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