Tag Archives: steven seagal

Another from the FRONT Magazine archives

HEY YOU WANKERS/TWATS/ARSEHOLES/FRIENDS! What are you up to at the moment? Picking Fruit Pastilles out of your vagina? Putting spaghetti down your bellend? Exactly. You should be doing something more constructive with your time, like reading the following awesome article written by me. It was featured in FRONT Magazine back when it was the best thing on planet earth, and is titled LIFE LESSONS FROM ACTION HEROES. Basically, it’ll tell you all you need to know about being an absolute legend in life. You know, like I fucking am.

Click on the piccy-wiccys to enlarge.

actionheroes

actionheroes2

actionheroes3

Now, go forth and be LEGENDS.

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I Only Watch 18s Book Club

We all know that reading is for pussies and scaredy-cats, scaredy-cats, pants on the doormat, hair sticks up like telephone wire, selling condoms for 99p – but luckily there are some books out there that are actually worth reading.  And some blogs HINT HINT.

Obviously I’d rather these books were available as DVDS, or at least audio tapes read by Stone Cold or something, but they’re not, so you’re just going to have to put up, or shut up.

Today’s book (this feature isn’t going to be regular because it takes ages for me to read – they don’t allow books in my gym) is Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal.

(more…)

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People I Like no. 5: Steven Seagal

If you’ve read this site before, you’ll probably be able to gather that I’m a bit of a fan of Steven Seagal.  Well ‘bit’ is a sodding understatement – I can’t get enough of him and his films.  Well, actually, that’s a lie – his new films are shit.  But we’ll get to that later.  Firstly, let’s get down to business:
Above the Law (Nico) – Seagal’s first film, and he’s already the central character, mainly because one of his aikido pupils (the Hollywood agent Michael Ovitz) decided that Seagal deserved to be in movies.

THANK YOU MICHAEL OVITZ – I AM FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT.

Above the Law concerns a tough (obviously) vice cop getting mixed up with Henry Silva’s corrupt CIA agent.  Can’t really be bothered to go into much more detail, but Steven Seagal beats up a great many people in this film and therefore it is good. (more…)

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DVD Design for Machete

In my Machete review here, I mentioned my designs for the DVD sleeve.  Well, I’ve decided to go ahead and make it.  So for the UK distributors of Machete that are definitely reading this blog, the final designs are below: (more…)

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Classic 18: Fire Down Below (1997)

After watching Machete and realising that Steven Seagal on the big screen was one of the defining moments of my life, I thought I’d revisit my favourite Seagal film – Fire Down Below.

Now this is possibly a controversial choice (well, only controversial to idiots like me that spend ages talking about which Steven Seagal film is the best), because most people would go with Above the Law (18, seen), or Out For Justice (18, seen) – but those people are wrong.  Well, ok, they might be right, but I like Fire Down Below the best, ok?

Why do I think it’s the best Seagal film?  Here are ten reasons: (more…)

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Machete (2010)

I’ve finally seen Machete – the film I’ve been wanting to see most this year.  When I first heard about it, I ripped a hole in my trousers, painted my dick green and ran through town making penis prints on the windows of any shops beginning with ‘M’ – that’s how excited I was.  And now I’ve seen it, but was it worth spending a night in prison?

YEAH BUDDY!

Machete was amazing from start to finish, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face the entire way through.  As soon as it starts, Machete goes and decapitates three blokes at once – it was at this point I knew that I would like this film.  From there on in, it’s pretty much non-stop absurdity, as Machete beats people up, shoots people, uses their guts as rope, shags women, beats people up, shoots people, uses guts as rope, shags women, punches people, hits people with garden trimmers, uses guts as rope, shoots people, shags women, USES GUTS AS ROPE, kicks people, and uses some guts as a bit of rope. (more…)

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