Tag Archives: Sylvester Stallone


That’s the sound of an erection going up. It’s the opposite of BEEEEEEEEEYYYOOOOOOOO.

You know, as in:

Sexy Lady: Hey, ripped hunk that runs I Only Watch 18s, take a look at my tits.


Sexy Lady: You’re so hot, you’re like an even hotter Channing Tatum from Step-Up.

Me: You’ve seen Step-Up?

Sexy Lady: Yeah.



But as it stands at the moment it’s BOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEE!! all the way because I’ve just heard some good news.  You may have heard about a month back that Stallone had mentioned in an interview that The Expendables 2 would be a PG-13? If you are a human being, then you probably threw a trowel in the garden or pulled a door handle off or something when you heard it.

Well, all is not lost because according to Den of Geek, Stallone’s backtracked and now he’s saying it’s definitely going to be R-rated. This can only be a good thing because it means there’s more chance of it being an 18. Sure, the first one was R-rated but was a 15 over here, but they did release an uncut 18 version on DVD so I needn’t have spray painted that cow blue in the first place.

So here’s me crossing my fingers that The Expendables 2 will be an 18, because if it is it will be the best film ever made. The minute they announce it’s an 18 I’d put a helmet on or find cover because my bollocks are going to explode with the ferocity of a fucking supernova.

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If The Expendables 2 is not an 18 I’ll shit my pants

So even though the first Expendables was a bit of a let-down, I’m still unbelievably excited about the sequel even though I told myself not to, because every time I do this it ends in tears.  And pizza.  Loads of pizza – which plays havoc with my washboard stomach.  Not good.

Anyway, I DON’T BLOODY CARE because Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris and SCOTT SODDING ATKINS are in this one.  Three of my favourite actors in the same film.  Along with all those other bloody legends too – how can this be shit?

Well it can’t and it won’t – mainly because this time it’s not directed by Stallone, which was one of my main gripes with the last one.  This one’s directed by Simon West, the guy behind the shafting awesome Con Air, so it has no choice but to be amazing (we’ll ignore some of the shit 15s that he’s directed – must have been ill or something).

ComingSoon have some disconcerting pictures on their website though.  They seem to have somehow entered my mind while I was asleep and photographed the exact dream I had last night – here, take a look:

Not sure how they managed that, but I’m gonna drop them an email to see if they’ve got the ones from that wet dream I had about the bungee cord, the oil, the donkey with my head and the whole cast of Hollyoaks – that was fucking wicked mate.

Either way, this film WILL be amazing.  I’ve already put all my boxers and trousers into the paper shredder at work because I certainly won’t be needing to wear anything on my bottom half until it comes out that’s for sure.

My dick is going to be OUT AND AFUCKINGBOUT.

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The Expendables (2010)

So The Expendables is now out on DVD.  And guess what?

It’s only a bloody fucking 18.

When it was in cinemas for some reason it was a 15 and I wasn’t able to watch it, but now it’s on DVD and they’ve released an uncut version, so I can.  So was it worth the wait?  I mean, when I first heard about the cast, I pulled down all of my Arnold Schwarzenegger posters, put them through a shredder, boiled them and ate them like spaghetti – I was that excited.  I also did a big shit.

Well unfortunately, it wasn’t worth the wait.  Bit of a nightmare really.  While it had its moments (specifically the bits that got cut to make it a 15), overall it just wasn’t up to scratch – and it’s too late to regurgitate all the Arnold spaghetti now.  I must look like a right lemon. (more…)

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