Tag Archives: the hills have eyes

Classic 18: Wrong Turn (2003)

[There are a few minor spoilers in this review but if that stops you from reading it then I think it’s about time you took that dummy out of your mouth and took your thumb out of your bum because I’m about to rain down on you like a tonne of shit.]

I will watch, and love, any film about killer rednecks, cannibals or inbred nutcases.  If the film has a combination of the all three – well then, ladies, you better put condoms over your heads because I’ll be firing pregnant jizz all over the ceiling and if any of it hits you, you’ll be firing babies out of your bum for weeks, and gentleman, you better put a nappies on sharpish because I’ll be pummeling you in the stomach so hard, you’ll be shooting screaming jets of shit out of your arses while I pour enough Haribo down my throat to fill a month of Sundays.

Basically, Wrong Turn is a combination of all three.  I was so excited about seeing this, I couldn’t even eat my usual quota of Pepperamis – and when this happens, you know something’s up.  And it certainly was, along with my penis.

In a nutshell (a rather long, detailed nutshell), Wrong Turn is about some bloke going to a job interview or something shit and boring, but he runs into a traffic jam, which coincidentally is also shit and boring.  So obviously, he doesn’t want to hang about in a queue of smelly cars, so he takes a WRONG TURN and goes off down a dodgy dirt track.

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Shocker (1989)

Shocker is written and directed by Wes Craven (the guy behind countless awesome 18s like A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream and The Hills Have Eyes), therefore it should be good.  However, whereas it started off rather fantastically – I even said out loud ‘I love this kind of movie’ – it actually ended up being a bit of a

***NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH***

*We interrupt this review to bring you an urgent news story.  It has been brought to our attention that a gigantically shit pun is headed to this area.  It can be expected imminently and those averse to crap wordplay must stay away from any computer in their immediate vicinity – you have been warned*

***END OF NEWSFLASH***

shocker.

It’s about a mental serial killer called Horace Pinker who’s targeting families at random and killing them all.  Quite early on, an annoying football jock has a dream about watching Final Destination about the killer murdering his family.  IT COMES TRUE.  Then somehow, the kid works out how to have these premonition dreams and leads the police to Pinker’s next murder before it even happens.  So the cops capture him and sentence him to the electric chair. (more…)

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