Tag Archives: the human centipede

The Human Centipede III (2015)

HumanCentipede3_poster1Sorry I’ve been away for a bit, I basically set myself this challenge to finger exactly 2000 girls before I could write anything on this website again – not entirely sure why I did this though, so don’t ask. Anyway, I’ve done it now, so I can carry on writing about films and that. Also, I’ve just seen The Human Centipede III and I thought that would be a great one to get me back into the swing of things.

If you need to get yourself up to speed on the Human Centipede saga, then I suggest you read these two pieces of hilarious writing that I found on the internet one day when Googling “pictures of my dick human centipede”. Here’s a review of the first one, and here’s a review of the second one.

What you’ll notice is that I really liked the first one, but the second one wasn’t as good. This is something that happens a lot with sequels isn’t it? Especially when the first sequel is downgraded from an 18 – you know, like what happened with Taken. The first Taken was so good it actually caused me to do a poo which floated out of my arse and slowly rose up towards the ceiling before resting there like a tiny blimp. I think it’s still there now – you’ll have to ask the people at the cinema. However, Taken 2 was a 12A! If there’s anything that’s gonna get that Goodyear turd down from the roof, it’s that. The less said about Taken 3 (or as I like to call it – Taken WEE), the better.

Anyway, The Human Centipede II was still an 18, and one so extreme that it was actually refused a classification the first time round. When it was eventually released it was cut a bit, but still an 18. This made me happy as well as unhappy – the same as when I have a wank, sort of. But either way, it wasn’t as good as the first one.

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The Human Centipede 3 sounds good

So I liked The Human Centipede, and to a lesser extent, The Human Centipede 2, therefore by default, I’m already looking forward to The Human Centipede 3. Tom Six, the director of both movies has been hinting at how the third and final entry in the trilogy will be the most extreme one, but it’s not going to be easy out-grossing the second one. Don’t worry though, I think he might have thought of a way, because taking a look at Tom Six’s twitter yesterday, I noticed this:

 

 

THAT’S A LOT OF SHIT.

To be honest, I think this is going to be either really good or really, really, really fucking bollocks. I’m not entirely sure how he’s going to handle this, especially considering he’s starring in it, alongside Dieter Laser (from part 1) and Laurence Harvey (from part 2). If you thought he’d sprinkled his salad with meta-cheese in part 2, part 3 is going to cause you to puke out your own dick through your anus.

But seriously, that’s going to be a lot of shit isn’t it? That’s over 500 people’s shit. Imagine being the person at the end. Sheesh. I can’t begin to think what the film is going to be like.

Still, that hasn’t stopped me going for a bit of an artist’s impression:

 

 

On second thoughts, this is definitely NOT going to be really, really, really fucking bollocks.

CAN’T WAIT.

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The Human Centipede Live – YEAH YOU HEARD

As I have mentioned before on this site, I didn’t half enjoy The Human Centipede, and to some extent The Human Centipede II – I also like going into the supermarket with my friends disguised as a human centipede and buying posh things like Ferrero Rocher.  So obviously, when I found out that some nutcases had decided that it would be a good idea to create a live Human Centipede attraction I immediately hurled a wad of my own dung at the postman whilst hissing expletives at my penis.

Rather than continue my excrement-based projectile tomfoolery I decided to go and visit it. I went to the press launch at the London Bridge Experience because I’m far more important than you with your lubed up thumb and sore arse, and I had some free champagne and scored a few choice broads’ digits.  After some amiable chit-chat the time came for me to enter the deep, dark tunnel.

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The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)

I really enjoyed the first Human Centipede, so I had my nips in a right old slanging match with each other in anticipation for the sequel.  Then the dreaded news hit my butt-cheeks – it had been banned.  This wound me up no end – Tom Six had promised a movie so outlandish and disgusting that I’d already sellotaped my first Human Centipede DVD shut, never to be watched again.  Tried to flush it down the toilet too but that didn’t work – probably shouldn’t have tried to do it straight after a shit.

Anyway, it was banned and I was pissed off.

But then the BBFC announced they were releasing it!  I pulled my trousers up as high as they would go, I superglued my bottom lip to my nose, and I went to Thorpe Park and pissed in the log flume water – I WAS LITERALLY THAT EXCITED.  But then they had to go and ruin it for me by announcing they’d cut it by 2 minutes and 37 seconds – that’s a whole lunchtime shit (minus wiping)!!!  So down the trousers went to their normal level, and out came the lean chicken breasts and broccoli for a hefty session of comfort eating – a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the arm-dominating fucking gigantic whips.

But hey, it was an 18 so I guess I had to watch it.  Which I did.  Let me tell you what I thought of it:

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18 related anecdote no. 40

So I was walking up to the train station this morning when I saw a ginger girl who looked quite attractive.  The fact that she was ginger and attractive is a massive plus because I like ginger girls who are also attractive.  Then, oh no!  She tripped!  I heard a clatter and I assumed that she’d dropped some books, but as I walked closer I realised they were DVDs.

This was a good start.

However, she’d be going right back on the floor if they were shit ones.  I quickened my pace in order to have a look, and I felt my temples pulse, my trousers strain, and my buttocks clench – I knew what was about to happen.

MY 18 SENSE WAS FUCKING TINGLING.

I peered on the floor and saw that bright red beacon of hope and instantly the girl became one hundred times more attractive.  The DVD was Mirrors 2, which I haven’t seen and is supposed to be shit but I couldn’t have given six shafting cum-stains – all that mattered was that it was an 18.  The fact it was a horror only made her more eligible.

Then, as I walked past, not bothering to help because I’m fucking cool and hard and I didn’t want to break my swagger, I saw some of the other DVDs.  One was green.

I knew instantly which one it was.

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The Human Centipede (2009)

So you’ve probably heard of The Human Centipede by now.  If not, I’ll enlighten you – it’s about a man who decides it would be a bit of a lark to surgically attach three people mouth to anus, thus forming the titular abomination.

So yeah, not about a guy who turns into a centipede (something which my friend who went with me (to the premiere, if you’re asking) thought it was about – needless to say she was surprised).  However, once you’re over the initial idea, The Human Centipede isn’t that hard to watch.  It is however, really good.

The film begins with two girls broken down on a deserted road,

“Fuck” one of them says, “what are we going to do?”

“Erm, well, I’ve been looking at your arse and I quite fancy stitching my mouth to it – so what say we find a mad scientist willing to do it for us?”  The other replies.

“Yeah go on then you bitch, SPRING BREAK!” (more…)

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