Tag Archives: van damme

I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2013

For once, this year was actually relatively good for 18s. Yeah I know, it pulled my foreskin off too! Yeah, we had quite a steady stream of 18s popping up about the shop – mostly horror, but a couple of action ones here and there, which is always appreciated. Another interesting thing was that they weren’t all direct-to-DVD releases, we had a couple of cinematic 18s. I love going to the cinema to watch 18s, the main reason being that you get all the 18 trailers before the actual film. I love 18 trailers. But enough of me rubbing pumice stone into my arse-pulse, let’s get on with the fucking I Only Watch 18s REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013. “You’re gonna need a bigger nappy.”

FAVOURITE FILM OF 2013

Well, this is an easy one isn’t it? It’s got to be V/H/S/2 hasn’t it? Stop asking questions will you? Ok I will if you calm down alright? Sure let’s just get on with this ok? Am I talking to myself? I don’t know, do you? Yes – wait, do I?

Sorry, so yeah, V/H/S/2 – not only the best film I saw this year, but also the one that is the most annoying to type. In case you didn’t know (why don’t you know? What have you been doing? You seriously need to give your wrist a rest sometimes mate, you’re gonna get carpal tunnel or some shit), it’s a portmanteau horror film consisting of a number of found-footage tales. They are ALL good. My favourite one was the one directed by Jason Eisener, of Hobo With A Shotgun Fame, because it scared a thin film of grease right off the end of my bell-end and into the clouds. It’s about an alien abduction, something that is extremely close to my heart after that time I went on a night out and when I woke up there was a test tube up my choddy. The next best is Gareth Evans’ (The Raidinsane day of reckoning-style segment – it’s completely mental and I love it. Like my reflection. This is of course not to say the rest are not that good, because they are – this sequel certainly stepped it up in quality when compared to the original, which itself was pretty darn good anyway.

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SHITTEST 18 OF 2013

Unfortunately it’s gotta be I Spit On Your Grave 2. I thought the original was good and so was the remake – making a bloke suck his own severed dick was priceless – but this sequel to the remake was very very silly. None of it made any sense and the shit dealt out to the woman was so extreme and lasted soooooo long, which also therefore didn’t leave any time for the good bit – revenge. There was one inspired part (the bit with the bollocks in the vice), but apart from that, even the revenge was wack. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you haven’t had a shower for a week and still can’t be bothered to have one – watch this and you’ll need one straight after, you dirty fucking slob. Your room stinks.

I Spit On Your Grave 2, Set Photography - Day14

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Posted in 18s, Action, Comedy, Horror, Reviews, Thriller, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I wrote a fucking song about Sudden Death

Van Damme Is In A Film Called Sudden Death

I’M A BIG LEGEND AND I LOVE VAN DAMME
I LIKE HIS KICKS THEY GO WHAM BAM
HIS FILMS ARE WICKED, THEY ARE HYPE
AND IF YOU LIKE THEM TOO THEN WE SHOULD SKYPE
SUDDEN DEATH IS ONE OF THE BEST
WHEN I WATCH IT I HAVE TO WEAR A VEST
COS I GET EXCITED AND START TO SWEAT
PEOPLE SAY THAT SNAKE IS DROWNING, CALL A VET
DON’T WORRY THOUGH,IT’S JUST MY SWEATY DICK
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT, BACK TO THE FLICK
VAN DAMME BRINGS THE HEAT – HE’S A FIREMAN
IN CHARGE OF A STADIUM THAT COMES UNDER FIRE, MAN
LUCKILY HE’S A FUCKING HARD TWAT
SO SOON BAD GUYS ARE HITTING THE MAT
LIKE ONE WHO’S DRESSED AS A GIANT PENGUIN
A FIGHT ENSUES AND VAN DAMME GETS A PENG WIN
THE BIG BAD IS PLAYED BY POWERS BOOTHE
HE’S GOT A LENG NAME AND HE’S WELL SMOOTH
SHAME HE DIDN’T BANK ON VAN DAMME BEING THERE
SO HE GETS WELL AGGS AND PULLS OUT HIS HAIR
COS HIS BOMBS JEAN-CLAUDE IS DIFFUSING
AMIDST ALL OF THE HENCHMEN BRUISING
HE’S PRETTY WORRIED THAT HE’S GONNA LOSE
SO OUT OF HIS BUM ARE COMING POOS
YOU CAN ALL GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END
SO I’LL LEAVE IT THERE, MY FRIEND
BESIDES, ALL THIS RHYMING IS SENDING ME BARMY
UP MY ARSE I’VE JUST STUCK A PEPERAMI
I’M GONNA GO NOW COS I’M A DRAWING A BLANK
SEE YA LATER, GONNA GO HAVE A

WANK

Screamed to the tune of “Van Damme is in a Film Called Sudden Death”

van-damme-31

Posted in 18 Related Anecdotes, 18s | Tagged , | Leave a comment

People I like no. 7: Jean-Claude Van Damme

This is going to be a long post because Van Damme (aka ‘The Muscles From Brussels’ (aka ‘The Bum From Belgium’ (aka ‘The I’m consistently in films that are amazing according to the guy that writes I Only Watch 18s’))) is so dedicated to the 18-rated cause that he’s hardly ever in anything that isn’t an 18.  That means he’s been in LOADS of 18s.  Therefore, in this worthy and insightful column I will discuss, analyse and explore the most important 18s of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

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