Tag Archives: wes craven

Deadly Friend (1981)

Don’t you hate it when you’re with your girlfriend (or bit on the side in my case) and you get in a confrontational situation with someone and you’ve got to stand up for her?  I do.  I mean, I’m fucking hard, but it’s still unnecessary effort.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to do anything?  Wouldn’t it be great if she, for example, just threw a basketball at the prick’s head really hard so that it exploded?

Well that’s basically what happens in Deadly Friend.

It’s about this geek who moves to a new neighbourhood with his ‘mum’ (it took me ages to work out that it wasn’t his wife because for some reason they’ve got a 286 year-old bloke playing a college student, but whatever) and this little robot called Bibi.  He’s basically some sort of genius and he single-handedly designed Bibi himself out of cereal boxes and sticky-back plastic or shit like that, and Bibi follows him everywhere and has a mind of its own etc etc etc.

Upon moving into this new house, he discovers that his neighbour is a right old foxy sort, and she immediately and obviously displays an outward affection for him and invites herself round.  This scene didn’t annoy me at all because this kind of thing happens constantly to me and is entirely plausible when considering my life.  However, had I been a geek with a shit haircut who is friends with a robot, I might have been a bit pissed off while watching this because this is not the kind of thing that would ever happen to me in the history of everything. (more…)

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Classic 18: Wishmaster (1997)

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while – it’s just my willy’s been going in and out of so many vaginas I haven’t had enough time, you know the DRILL.  But fret not, for I am back, and I’ve got another sweet review for you to pat your bum-eye to.

Back when Wes Craven was good (i.e before he was making sub-par films like My Soul to Take and Scre4m) he produced this little gem.  Actually, it’s not a little gem, it’s a stonking rock-hard boner of one.  It’s directed by Robert Kurtzman (of the Holy Triumvirate of movie gore effects – K.N.B) and it’s really bloody good.  Emphasis on the bloody.

It’s basically about this genie thing (a Djinn) with two funny dicks that come out of his head and rest on his shoulders, and he comes out of a magical stone and grants people wishes.  Only he’s a right crafty fucker and he messes them all up – like one girl asks to be beautiful forever, so he turns her into a mannequin.  Another guy asks for his party to be a really memorable one so the genie makes the piano wires come out and start twatting people’s heads off.  He’s doing this not just because it’s a bit of fun, but also because if he grants the person who released him from the purple gem three wishes, he can get all his laddish mates to come to earth and start shagging women and chinning lagers or some shit. (more…)

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My Soul To Take (2010)

Recently I waxed shitical about how shit Shocker was, and I probably said something about how much I liked Wes Craven and that he’d let me down and if he did it again I’d set fire to a dog turd and shove it through his letterbox or something.  Well, with My Soul To Take, he had a chance to get back in my good books (and I’ll tell you, they’re something you want to be in) – but did he manage it?

HE FUCKING WELL DIDN’T DID HE?

HE DIDN’T DID HE EH?

OI YOU, HE SHAFTING WELL DID NOT DID HE?

MATE?  YEAH YOU!  HE SODDING DIDN’T.

COCKING WELL SHUNTING DIDN’T.

DICK-SUCKING WELL FINGERING DIDN’T.

FISTING WELL RIMMING DIDN’T.

SPRAY ON YOUR TITS WELL DOGGYSTYLE DIDN’T.

STRAP-ON UP THE BUM UNLUCKY WELL TIT-WANKING DIDN’T.

DONE A POO IN YOUR PANTS ON THE TRAIN OH SHIT I HOPE NOBODY NOTICES WELL ACTUALLY EVERYONE’S LOOKING AT ME AND IT’S OBVIOUS BECAUSE I’VE PISSED MYSELF DIDN’T.

You get the idea. (more…)

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Shocker (1989)

Shocker is written and directed by Wes Craven (the guy behind countless awesome 18s like A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream and The Hills Have Eyes), therefore it should be good.  However, whereas it started off rather fantastically – I even said out loud ‘I love this kind of movie’ – it actually ended up being a bit of a

***NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH***

*We interrupt this review to bring you an urgent news story.  It has been brought to our attention that a gigantically shit pun is headed to this area.  It can be expected imminently and those averse to crap wordplay must stay away from any computer in their immediate vicinity – you have been warned*

***END OF NEWSFLASH***

shocker.

It’s about a mental serial killer called Horace Pinker who’s targeting families at random and killing them all.  Quite early on, an annoying football jock has a dream about watching Final Destination about the killer murdering his family.  IT COMES TRUE.  Then somehow, the kid works out how to have these premonition dreams and leads the police to Pinker’s next murder before it even happens.  So the cops capture him and sentence him to the electric chair. (more…)

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