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The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post 2014

You’ve been waiting with (master)baited breath for a whole year, but the time has finally come once more! Yes, correct, it’s my round-up of all the cock-swipe and shit-drop that’s gonna be up for fucking Oscars this year! I HATE THE OSCARS and you should too – they mean nothing and if you like them then I’ll wedgie you so hard that I’ll cleave you in two. Anyway, I suppose I had better get down to business – I hope you’re covered in asbestos BECAUSE THERE’S GONNA BE A HELL OF A LOT OF BURNS COMING YOUR WAY! ZINGZAMMAZOOM!

Best Picture

American Hustle – Oh, I thought giving an Oscar to a film because it had good wigs in it was meant for the make-up category, not the main fucking feature? They’re not even good ones – they look like shit:

“And the Oscar for shittest hair goes to American Hustle!”

“Thank you so much! I’d like to thank chlorine, hair-straighteners and Trichotillomania for helping us towards our goal! We did it!”

Captain Phillips – Yet another fucking sequel to that Pirates Of The Caribbean nonsense – Christ, I’ve had enough of this shit. Movies based on theme park rides? This shit passes for actual ideas in Hollywood? If you’re gonna make a movie out of a ride, at least go with something stimulating like Sybian: The Movie or some shit. Sheesh.

Dallas Buyers Club – Movie spin-offs are rarely good (props to The Inbetweeners Movie though – the 18-rated Blu-Ray version only, obviously), so doing a film adaptation of some fucking 80s sitcom about wide-brimmed hats is a fucking stupid idea. Remember 21 Bum Street or whatever it was called? That was a crock of the utmost toss wasn’t it? Who shot JR? Who cares? Who farted?

Gravity – I’m not entirely sure what this film is about but if they’ve made a feature-length film about some cunt getting hit on the head with an apple then I’ll go apeshit.

Her – This is the one about the bloke that fucks his iPad right? Yeah good idea, but if you’re not actually gonna show any human/tablet penetration then what’s the fucking point? It’d be as pointless as buying an iPad and not fucking it.

Nebraska – I just went on Wikipedia to try and find out what this was about but as I was waiting for my page to load (the dial-up in these woods is shit) I caught sight of a rogue Peperami looking at me from the shower so I went and ate that instead. I sucked the shit out of the inner wrapper too – some say that’s the best bit. I say. I SAY IT.

Philomena – You don’t wait years for an Alan Partridge movie and then two come at fucking once. I’ve not seen the TV show so good luck persuading me to watch a film version – let alone TWO. You’d have better luck trying to get me to eat a vegetarian meal. Hint: your chances of succeeding greatly rely on whether cheese is involved or not.

12 Years a Slave – I don’t like depressing 18s, so FUCK depressing 15s.

“Oh, do you want to pay £10 for an ‘experience?'”

“Well what does this ‘experience’ entail?”

“Well, you pay the money, someone makes you cry and then you leave.”




Yes correct, Leo. You should celebrate – you’ve fucking won.


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