Tag Archives: wrong turn

I Only Watch 18s Review Of The Year: 2014

IF YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT THAT IT’S ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH JANUARY AND I’VE ONLY JUST DONE MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR THEN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHINING SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE PRINCE.

Anyway, here we go:

FAVOURITE FILM

The Raid 2

Yeah, so this one was probably pretty obvious from my initial review. Nothing really came close to beating The Raid 2 this year – I mean, I can’t even think of one film that had as many hammers and baseball bats in it. For sheer unadulterated mayhem, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more frantic, save for watching me when I hear the doorbell ring when I’m having a wank.

The Raid 2 contains, hands-down one of the best martial arts fight sequences I’ve ever seen. That fucking fight in the kitchen had me so far on the edge of my seat that I was practically in front of the screen (much to the annoyance of all the other patrons). It’s just SO FUCKING GOOD, and I doubt I’ll see it beaten. Until The Raid 3: This Time You’ll Shit Yourself comes out anyway. Gareth Evans is a high ledge and I want to have a drink with him. Hope he’s up for fingering some girls though, because drinking always turns into that. Even when it’s just Sprite.

The-Raid-2-Hammer-Girl-Baseball-Bat-Man

SHITTEST 18

Nymphomaniac

Now don’t get me wrong, I love myself a good look at some tits and/or gashes, and now and again I may even “stumble” upon a video of a nice big dick going in and out of one or the other – sue me. So when I heard about Nymphomaniac I was all ears. And dicks.

Shame then, that it spent about five hours and all we saw were like five different sets of tits and even less minges. Seriously, this film did nat need to be in two parts – especially when there were that many terrible British accents being bandied about the place like a bunch of, erm, bands or something. Shia Laboeuf (who was in that film about the talking cars or something – Cars I think it was called) needs to go down in history along with Dick Van Dyke and Charlie Hunnam (Green Street) as committing one of the worst accents to film since that time I pretended to be French for my Take Me Out audition video.

Overall, the film is so far up its own arse, that it can’t even see its own arse anymore. We can though. And it’s covered in SHIT.

nymphomaniac

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Classic 18: Wrong Turn (2003)

[There are a few minor spoilers in this review but if that stops you from reading it then I think it’s about time you took that dummy out of your mouth and took your thumb out of your bum because I’m about to rain down on you like a tonne of shit.]

I will watch, and love, any film about killer rednecks, cannibals or inbred nutcases.  If the film has a combination of the all three – well then, ladies, you better put condoms over your heads because I’ll be firing pregnant jizz all over the ceiling and if any of it hits you, you’ll be firing babies out of your bum for weeks, and gentleman, you better put a nappies on sharpish because I’ll be pummeling you in the stomach so hard, you’ll be shooting screaming jets of shit out of your arses while I pour enough Haribo down my throat to fill a month of Sundays.

Basically, Wrong Turn is a combination of all three.  I was so excited about seeing this, I couldn’t even eat my usual quota of Pepperamis – and when this happens, you know something’s up.  And it certainly was, along with my penis.

In a nutshell (a rather long, detailed nutshell), Wrong Turn is about some bloke going to a job interview or something shit and boring, but he runs into a traffic jam, which coincidentally is also shit and boring.  So obviously, he doesn’t want to hang about in a queue of smelly cars, so he takes a WRONG TURN and goes off down a dodgy dirt track.

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